Saturday, February 16, 2019

Sisters are forever

So when I thought I'll be all broken and mellow and sappy and sad over Valentines, I was doing just fine. This day that was the highlight of my year, always, just became another ordinary day, filled with laughter and good conversations with loved ones.

And that made all the difference.

In that moment, I was just so thankful for the people I have in my life. For I was quick to think that I'm alone, and better off on my own anyways.

Thank you for having my back, always. For the late night talks we shared since we were little girls. I'm glad even when I'm miles away, I can still have that.

So this Valentines, is the one I dedicate to my sisters back home. I love you, through thick and thin, and husbands and fights. Through it all, my girls. I got you. 

Saturday, February 09, 2019

Everything was going great until

I woke up one day and realized I've been sleeping on one side of the bed still, my arms outstretched like they always would, because I'll wake up hugging you. And that sinking feeling, the moment my mind yet again had to deal with the fact you'll never be there anymore, took a bit out of my day that is just beginning.

So I opened my eyes. "Gotta snap out of it," I told myself. "Let's start your day. Let's get busy," I kept repeating.

So that's how one month went. And then another. Filled up with nights and days of distractions and just dealing. Dealing with loss.

I remember telling myself, I can't actually lose something I've already lost. I feel that is the only thing that makes sense in this whole situation. I can't be bitter about losing a good friend, a listener, adviser and all of that, simply because I've lost him long ago. When we decided we cannot go on further than what we had, things had to fall into place, and we would go our separate ways.

Then one day, things fell into place for him. I couldn't be happy for him in the moment that it happened, but I think I can now. I am happy for him and I both. Had it not happen the way it did, I'll still be stuck in the same loop. I wouldn't be able to totally let go.

So the silver lining in all of this is slowly showing. This is exactly what I needed. What I asked for, and exactly what I'm getting. A lot of changes are happening this year, and I try so hard to adapt, it is scary to be going through it all without him. But because I had learnt so much from this person, I'll be fine. Even as I feel like I'm losing myself sometimes, I will be fine.

I catch myself laughing and smiling more now. Even on my bad days, there's so much for me to be grateful for.

I guess in all of this, all it takes is just a little bit of time, and a whole lot of patience.

Wednesday, January 02, 2019

About 2018

This year I think I've learnt so many lessons. In life, love, career, family, it seems like there was so much for me to absorb. Too much, even. I was left overwhelmed a little towards the end, but I believe it was all meant to be for me. It's a good thing that all of these things come together this year, as somehow a rude awakening in the beginning, but a bittersweet lesson in the end.

I've learnt that all good things do come to an end. I was childish in thinking that some things, feelings, connections, were meant to last. So when it finally happened, admittedly, I was caught off guard. I think it was a period of my life where I couldn't see past the situation, and therefore I carried so much resentment. It ate me up inside. I played the victim first, before anything else, and quickly spiralled into the depths of self-pity and denial.

Next I learnt that misery knows no company. As I was with myself, wallowing in sadness, I realized there is only so much time you can spend being sad, expressing yourself to your friends, begging them to rescue you from it. With distance, I was forced to deal with sorrow and depressing thoughts on my own. Or so I thought.

The most valuable lesson I learnt this year is the effect of judging. I used to say, I can never make friends here in Dubai, because I cannot just fit in with the people here. I want to hang with a crowd with similar mindset and I cannot stand shallow-minded people. I was so arrogant in thinking that these people I've met all these years would all fall in the same category. I simply do not hang out with anyone outside of work because I feel like I've already know so much about them in the seven or so hours flying with them. So then, I was proved wrong. In the time when I needed someone to talk to, these people that I barely know, were there for me. I've never experienced such kindness before, that it warms my heart just to think, that in the end, no one is ever alone.

I also learnt at the age of 27, how fragile life is.. Just when I thought my parents are still fit and strong, I was woken up with the fact that they are not. In fact, when my mom was sick, I just can't shake the thought that one thing could go very wrong, and I could lose this person forever. I never thought that the age of me taking care of them is here, now, as I was so busy with my own life, trying to achieve my own goals that sometimes I forget. I forget to be a daughter. I forget to put family first, above everything else.

In my five years of flying, this lesson hits me the most. That no matter what, kindness goes a long way. With this company, as much as I try not to let the resentment with the company affect the way I work, it sometimes does. I'm only human. When the fatigue, jetlag and lack of sleep kick in, I became mechanical. Everything I do is a routine, and passengers dissolve into numbers that I see on the manifest. I hated that. I loved this job because I love the people aspect of it. It feels like I've lost touch with who I was as I get dragged into galley dramas flight after flight.

So that was 2018 for me. Full of challenging times, trying times, and all the drama you can think of, rolled into one. At the end of it all, I am still here, the world is still my oyster, and life, it just goes on.

I know better things are waiting for me in 2019. I feel it in my bones, I just know it.
Here's to a good start, my lovelies! Happy New Year!

Sunday, October 07, 2018

When the season change

Nina Nesbit - The Sun Will Come Up, The Seasons Will Change

Walking down Parsons green, I can feel the cold
The leaves in the park are turning brown
I'm twenty two years old
Crazy that I was stood right here just five years ago
With the heat on my skin 
And a lover who is now someone I don't know
You don't see it, when it's happening, happens over time
First you're laughing, then you're crying
Then you can't decide
My life's uncertain and sometimes strange
But one thing I've learned is it won't stay the same
Even in the darkness I'll be okay
The sun will come up, the seasons will change
The sun will come up, the seasons will change
The sun will come up, the seasons will change
Winter comes racing 'round, something 'bout the air
The fire's on and the chimney smoke is tangled in my hair
Crazy how much my life has changed in just in a year
There's people I've met, people I've left 
And some that didn't make it here
You don't see it, when it's happening, happens over time
First you're laughing, then you're crying
Then you can't decide
My life's uncertain and sometimes strange
But one thing I've learned is it won't stay the same
Even in the darkness I'll be okay
The sun will come up, the seasons will change

Wednesday, September 19, 2018

I think you love me too much

Something about the lengths you go to, to make me happy. Even when I always put you down for trying, even when you are tired and wary and so certain of the future, you try as much as you can to make me feel appreciated.

This year it's still the same.  Even with circumstances being different, you try so much.

I hate that I forget that sometimes.

When I'm blinded by the "what could've been", I forget to see things that are right before my eyes. You are precious, I hope you know that.

Next year things will be different. And I will look back and miss this person that was my world.

But it will be okay. Because you had love me as much as this.

When the dust settles, I pray that hate isn't the only thing that remains.

Thank you for another wonderful birthday, for all the things you do for me, all of it.

I wish for nothing but the best for you in life, my love, even when I'm no longer there by your side.

Saturday, February 24, 2018

There is something about youth


The older you get, the more you crave it. The time of your life when things that seem meaningless now seemed to matter most and the things that really mattered did not seem to be very important. The time when everyone is full of dreams and passion and had such a positive outlook on life. When all you'd ever think of is what the future awaits for you. How everything is gonna turn up for you. And all the hopefulness and promises of tomorrow never seem to fade. 

But before you know it, the years caught up with you. And the future that you were looking forward to is in the now. Before long, you'd start to wonder, how did all the time pass you by? In between work, vacations, more working days going through the 'adult' life and commitments, here we are. In the now.


Oh how I miss it.

Thursday, November 09, 2017

Preparing for winter

The time of the year where it's busiest in Dubai is finally here! Tourists flock in this city I call home as the temperature is just nice for people from colder countries, and there's plenty of sun to catch. I must admit, it's my favorite time of the year too. Sun is strong, but it's cool enough to take a walk outside.

I look forward to spending more time outside winter this year.

I want to keep myself busy, so I'll probably write more as well. I have no clue on what, but it always feels nice for me to just write. Weird, I know.

As of now, I'm sitting on the balcony of his house trying to enjoy my last few days here. They say home is where the heart is, and so I've been making home with him here for more than a year now. Time for me to get settled again in my own house, or room, I should say.

I will miss this place a lot, the way so much sun comes in the house the whole day, how when I looked out the windows, there's so much for me to see. I love the comfort in knowing I'll come home and someone will be waiting for me with a hug even on my worst days. I will miss that the most.

But, this strong girl will go and make her home comfortable again. I will make a home in my own house this time.

I have to also start making plans for next year. 2017 just went by so fast I didn't even have time to catch my breath. For starters, more travel plans will be great. There's so much for me to see in the world. I'm fortunate to have this job, so I'll make full use of the cheap tickets and travel perks meanwhile.

That's not bad at all right?