Monday, August 14, 2017

As you think, so shall you become

I relate to this expression very much. Especially now, when I'm sitting here in the living room wondering again, how did life pass me by? It is a month before my 26th birthday, and I very much am the same girl at the age 18 wondering where life would take me. The thing about the expression is, it ponders about what you spend time thinking.. What are your thoughts? What do you spend most of your energy on every day? What goes on in your mind?

Some people wake up every day thinking of making themselves better. Thinking of achieving something, anything. Thinking of making more money or making the world a better place. The more they think about it, the more ways will seem possible, the more paths will suddenly become clear. I, on the other hand, gave so much power, so much capacity of my mind on a person that it is no wonder at the end of the day, I actually believed that my happiness depends on my being with this person alone.

I decided that I am indeed on an obsessed level, when every kid I find adorable I will relate to this person. In my head I would always picture how he would be a great dad, and how perfect our little family will be, and how I really want a mini me with both my features and his. Yeah, I know right? So it is bad enough to occupy my every waking moment on thoughts of him, and to picture something impossible? That takes it to a whole new level.

Admitting this means that I am trying to do something about it. I am trying to consciously choose what goes on in my mind. To redirect my energy on something, anything, that involves me and me alone. There are a lot of things that I want in life, and I know for a fact that I've never wanted an ordinary life to begin with. Sure, society dictates that I should be worried about getting married and having someone to settle down with, and having kids blah blah blah but am I even ready for that?

I'm beginning to think that the reason I long for it so much is because it's easy. Having someone to go through life with you come what may, sounds easy. It takes away your fear of uncertainty a little bit. It makes getting older and losing people you love over the years sounds bearable because you have someone to lean on, and this person will become your family and you will have a family of your own for you to pour all your love to. It sounds ideal. It sounds like a perfect little fairytale. Typical.

What I needed to realize is that nothing comes easy. It takes a lot of work on my part to take my life in the right direction. I need to take charge and be responsible for my own life and how I decide to live it. Most importantly, I need to take charge of what I spend my thoughts on.

Because as I think, so shall I become.

Saturday, July 22, 2017

In the blink of an eye

I remembered a few years ago, being excited at the arrival of my first niece. I have two of them now. So much of life has changed since then. All for the better, I guess. Raya this year was spent with family as well, I could not asked for more. Working here in Dubai, though quite far, has taught me to value family moments more. We don't realize this sometimes, but as much as we are getting older, year by year, our parents are aging too. It's a scary thought, really. I only hope that I've been a good daughter all these while.

On another note, my nieces though..

Rania recognizes me now, which is such a relieve! She's also old enough to Skype, so I can see her more...

This little munchkin however, is the total opposite to her sister. Such a heart-stealer, with her antics and charm. She. Just. Cannot. Stay. Still. 

I love them both the same, and always look forward to  spending time with them. Please don't grow up so fast! 

I wanna go back now....☹

Friday, July 07, 2017


When we're struck down and think that we've hit rock bottom, we always do this. We marinate and keep ourselves in the pits of hell and welcome the feeling of pain and misery even as we start our day. It feels right to feel sad and miserable, because in truth, we are in pain, and we want the rest of the world to feel it too. We want to be understood. We want to feel included. Sort of.

But that's the thing. The world doesn't run that way. Misery doesn't have company. You are in this on your own. And as much as you think your problem is the biggest or you are the saddest person in the room, there will be others whom have far bigger crisis and whom are less fortunate than you are.

Your problems will become minute, and insignificant if you could just take a moment and shift your attention to others. If there is one good thing in your life that you are thankful for, hold on to that. Keep that thought in mind. You will need it for one of those days. When your subconscious tries to pull you down again to that pit, instead of rolling around in it, try to brush it off. Focus on other things. More, important things. 

There's so much more to life than just relationships and being together with someone. As it was long before you were a WE, you've always just been a I. It's time to get to know yourself again, improve yourself and fall in love with you being you all over again. It is a process. It's not gonna be easy, but you will have to start somewhere. 

Leaving your comfort zone, and starting over is always a dread. We all know that. But, that is how you move forward. That is how you will learn how to stand up on your own two feet again. There will always be someone who will be there for you, even on your darkest days. All you need to do is ask. Ask for help. Ask for a listening ear. Perhaps a hug or a shoulder to cry on. You are never alone, remember that.

So, embrace the change. Shift your focus. You can do this. 

Tuesday, June 06, 2017

Take me back

As I look back to the happiest moments in my life, I thought of those moments spent with you. It hurts so much to think of the three years I spent being with my best friend, coming to an end. I wish for so many things to be different in our life, so that you and I can still be together. Sadly, we can't change who we are, nor we can change the system and how things work. The world is like this, and so therefore there is no place for you and I.

It breaks me so much that I sometimes wish I knew better. I wish we knew better. I don't regret a single moment of the three years where I'm happiest, though I can't help but regret the moments that follow from now. I hope one day you and I will be happier, I hope time will heal this giant void I feel in my heart as I sit here helpless seeing how our story ends. I wish that it was because love has fade away, or we just grew to be two different people than we once were. I wish desperately that it wasn't because of this.

I want to go back. I want to go back to when we were young and free of the worries of the world. When starting a family feels like a million years away. Time doesn't seem to agree with me. It always moves, regardless of how much I just wanna stay in the moment. We are, in the end just growing older and older not being able to start a family like everyone else.

I want to believe there is a silver lining to all of this. I want to convince myself that everything will be okay. But my eyes are blurry from tears, and the crack of my heart echoes loudly how much I love you. And then I collapse again, not being able to breathe, just sobbing myself to sleep.

I'm fine with being alone, but the thought of no longer having you in my life is something I could not bear. I've relied on you so much as you have on me over the years that it feels like a huge part of me will be gone as I part with you. I tried being strong because I know it's no easy decision for both of us, and I feel that's the least I could do for you. I know we have tried, and failed, and that is okay.

For the first time in my life, I learned that the best thing I can do for you my love, is to let you go. No matter how much it hurts, no matter how much it kills me inside, it's time for me to let you go.

As I cannot give you something firm to hold on, I'm only left with the certainty of this.
I will love you for a very long time, sayang...

Monday, May 22, 2017


It is true when they say..

"Trust is like an eraser. It gets smaller and smaller after every mistake."

And some small eraser, is what's left of it.

Sunday, April 09, 2017

Picture perfect

As I grow older, I realize how precious memories are. You know those moments in life, where  you wish that time will stop, and you could stay in that moment forever? It's those rare moments that you remember, and when you look back in life to when you're happiest, it is in those moments you fall back into, and find refuge from whatever storm life seems to whip up. 

March had been all of that and more. 

I finally got around to planning and going for my first ever skiing trip! The time I spent in Morzine, France was just too wonderful. I've never liked a town so much to the point that I want to actually stay there. Waking up to a lazy breakfast and followed by a full day of skiing, was so much fun. All the laughter from clumsy falls, funny things said in French, just about everything was very welcomed as a change of scenery off work. 

This part I hate though. Ski lifts!

Proper way to relax. Hahaha.

And this guy, cracks me up every single time. Our ski instructor, Giuseppe.

Then Santorini happened. 

So different to the comfort I had in Morzine, the first day in Santorini was pretty rough for me. Maybe because I went during off-season, so everything was closed and under maintenance for the next opening season. Still, things picked up and ended on a high note when I got to Fira the next day. One of the most beautiful sunset I've ever seen! To sit with my favorite person, and just live in that moment was so overwhelming for me it literally brought me to tears. ^_^ 

Best view everrr


Coming back to work after my trip was hard, but I was glad that my parents finally came for a visit in Dubai. 

That topped my March experience.

Nothing says love than spending day and night, glued to my parents in the city I now call home.

My photography skill is highly questionable. Hehehe

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I wanna go on more adventures, make more memories, laugh more, love more and remember all of it when I'm old and grey. 

And at the end of the day, no matter how perfect a picture is captured, only I will remember how it feels like being in that moment. 

Gosh, take me back to March.

Saturday, January 28, 2017

I have issues

"But I get angry, baby, believe me
I could love you just like that
And I can leave you just as fast

Yeah, I got issues
And one of them is how bad I need you."