Saturday, October 31, 2009

rawatan muka.

damn. i woke up and my eyes were swollen. and it's still swollen now. no. i didnt cry much yesterday. i really didnt. and i dont have sleepless nights too, since i broke up with him. i guess talking about it actually helps. A LOT. so, i'm pissed at my eyes now for not returning back to normal. haish, its ugly to take pictures in this condition. i wanna show u guys my new hair cut. hehe. just a little cut to the fringe. but still, i wanna show it. maybe later, when my eyes are not swollen anymore. =)

btw, mom. i miss u. i'll give u a call later, okay? u're baby girl is singing to big girls dont cry now. and she's feeling really lucky, coz she have so many people who cared about her. and she's happier now, too. ;D

Friday, October 30, 2009

eric bana, ily.

i saw him just now. and then i looked away. its hard not to bump into him, when we're studying in the same college u see.damn, it hurts. it hurts so much. cant my heart heal now? i dont wanna feel miserable, coz i know tht he's fucking enjoying his life now.

i was feeling okay this morning, and i even went to watch the time traveller's wife at pyramid. i tried to have fun, as much as i can. damn, he really spoil my evening.

it was raining too, just now. and it reminded me of wht happened the other day. and then, there's tears on my face again.

ouh, please be strong. i know i am. and i am moving on. come on, this is only the beginning. smile, and everything will be okay. =)

Thursday, October 29, 2009


waking up today, the first thing i felt was the pain. then the emptiness of everything. i know this was gonna be hard, my days are gonna be hard. and i started crying once again. i'm not mad at life, nor am i mad at him. i'm mad at myself as i have loved someone ever so truly for two years. i'm mad at myself as i'm not capable of hating him.mostly, i'm mad at myself for letting him hurt me.

after all the love i gave, the sacrifices i made, why, ouh why are u treating me this way? why come to me in the first place?

i remembered asking u the night before we met yesterday. i asked whether there's someone in ur heart, tell me so i can let u go. u said no. i was the only one that u loved. the only one that u had ever known u could love. ouhhhhh, how sweet. only tht it was a TOTAL LIE. havent u realize, tht i was the one who was there for u everytime u needed me? tht i was the one who defended u, who trusted u, when everyone else is turning their back on u? havent u realize, tht i was the one who love u for who u are? i never complain much, i accept u for all ur weaknesses. and yet, u have the heart to dump me in the most pathetic way.

well, u should've said tht u want a break up. be a man, say it in front of me. wht u did yesterday, showed me wht a coward u are. yeah, a coward.

u're a good friend for ur friends, a good son for ur parents, a good brother for ur siblings, a good guy in public. but u're a complete JERK for a boyfriend. i was ur friend before i was ur gf, didnt u ever considered tht before u did wht u did? ouh, i forgot how selfish u are. now i rmmbr.

gosh. i miss baby sofia. i know i'll never get to see her again, and tht hurts me too. why be so mean, aizat? i never did anything bad to u. never.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

carpe diem

this is the simple fact. aizat is a coward. he asked nora to admit tht she's his gf, and he refused to say a word. thinking about it, i really regretted wasting these 2 years loving him without asking for anything in return. another fact hit me really hard. he never did really love me. not even a little. thts the only explanation for treating me this way. no, i'm not mad at him. and i dont hate him for what he did. i love him still. but enough of it. this is too much. to treat me like this is unacceptable.

i should've listened to mom and dad. they never liked aizat, i guess thts for good reasons. i'm sorry. i should've listened to u guys.haish.

aizat, i forgive u for everything, but i wont ever forget wht u did today. not even if i die, thts how bad it is. and by the way, tanx. u taught me a lot of things. u taught me how to love, more importantly, how to let go. please, dont ever appear in front of me again. i do not wish to see u ever again. move to another college if u have to. really, i dont wanna see u again. u hurt me really bad. most important of all, u dont deserve me. i deserve someone a million times better than u.

tanx to everyone for ur endless support. i really appreciate it. i now know tht there's a lot more to love other than aizat shamer azmi. i've learnt my lesson guys.


i,just got dumped today. here's the story.

remember when i said that i sensed something was wrong with him? i thought it was a new girl. god, i was wrong. it was nora, his ex gf. i confronted aizat in college just now, he kept on denying tht he got back together with her. but i saw their picture together, taken a few days ago. wht the hell? he acts like everythg's normal. then, coincidently,(thank god!!) nora called. i answered his phone, ntah dari mne i got the courage pn, i tataw. so, i talked to her. i asked her whether they were back together or not. she asked me who i was instead. i told her i was his gf. aizat asked her to meet us at tht time. i thought tht he was abt to ask her explain, tht she got ntg to do with him. again, i was SO WRONG.

she came, and aizat went to her, started holding hands with her, and thts when i realize, with great despair tht i'm the one who's not suppose to be there. damn. it hurts. he asked nora to tell me tht she was his gf. she refused to say so, *she pitied me, u see.*aizat got mad, so he left. i talked to him, asking him not to leave. but he didnt even look at me, it's like i never existed in the first place.

it was raining, i was so humiliated, broken, ashamed, sad and tormented. words cant describe the pain i felt. i left the cafe too, walking in the rain, absorbing the ugly fact tht i'm not wanted anymore. guess wht? someone chased after me, calling my name and all. i had hoped tht it was aizat. yet again, i was wrong. it was nora. she refused to let me go back. she wanted to send me home. she feels sorry for me.and she comforted me all the way to casa subang.

imagine, how it must've feel like to be me. never in a million years, i imagine him to be this bad. yes, he was bad, but not this BAD. i was treated like a dog today. a freaking dog. i was humiliated, and hurt like im not suppose to have feelings. didnt he consider, tht i have feelings too? i had loved him so much, and i trusted him. this is wht i get in the end. i feel sorry for myself.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009


what's mine will have to stay. i dont fucking care. u're not gonna walk off on me. yeah, i'm one miserable lady, and i'm gonna go nuts anytime soon. i can feel it when something's wrong, u know. u taught me how to see it coming dear. i told u to behave, right? i hope tht u've been listening to what i've told u. we dont want this to go to waste, do we? well, at least i dont want this to go to waste.haha.

dont worry. i trust u still.

einsteinn, marry me??

my bio teacher said tht we humans only utilises 1% of our brain cells. but einstein manages to utilise 9% of his. babi unfair ouh. i wish i could have tht brain of his. hehe, selak2 buku je, xya bace pun da ingat. bestnye la mcm tu. unfortunately, finals drawing near, and my brain is not like einstein's. i gotta do it the old fashioned way then.

so much for marrying einstein. nope. i dont want to. he's too ugly for me anyway. =PP

Monday, October 26, 2009


maths is killing me. penat buat benda yg xdpt solution ouh. still, i'm doing it. i find maths as a good distraction tool. its like getting lost in another world. haish. another day is ending. tmrw comes tuesday. i'm feeling a little blue thinking tht my sem is gonna end soon. this week is the last week for classes. i'm gonna miss my classmates, and lecturers sooo much. i had fun, these 4 months here. and i cant wait for the next sem to start. =))

ouh. and i got my trial chem marks just now. i get 57%. haha. at least i didnt fail. i gotta work my ass off for final though. chem's tough.

taik ati.

what's the reason for not answering my calls and text messages, and hanging up on me? fuccccckkkkkk nyeeeee! kau ney da kne rasuk hantu mne huh?

i know i said i will not whine much since i'm the one who wanted to stay with him, i cant help but do it. bear with me okay?

i wanted to trust u soooo badd, but how? u're stepping on my head everytime. what the hell is wrong with u?? i know tht there's ntg wrong with me, i'm just being me. but what about u?? i've never ever treated u bad in any way, but u're treating me like shit. yeah, like shit. come on, make me happy. i deserved to be treated nicely. damn, this is frustrating.


say NOOOOO to monday. darn it. darn it. i'm freaking lazy, maths cls at 11am tmrw. i wanna do nothing but curl like a ball on my bed. haha. finals coming, and i've turned myself into a lazy pig. GREAT.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

hati ke, rasa?

i've changed into a very forgiving person. i've learnt to forgive so many things this three months. yeah, my heart had sustained multiple injuries but it still survived, fortunately. hey, recently i found out tht i'm actually VERY stubborn. when everyone's telling me to move on, even from before this, i refused to. i did try, i really did, during those 7 months. but it's eating me up inside. the feelings of longing and missing were really hard to bear at tht time. i can still remember the sleepless nights i had when i was missing him. life was hard, but i managed to live through it. and i'm proud of myself for that.

i told u tht i'm gonna trust him this time right? i've promised myself tht i'll never ever let go this time too. we're holding on, right now. dont worry, i'll come crying to u guys next time we messed up. till then, i can only tell u tht i'm happy now. be content with life, remember?

ikot hati, mati. ikot rasa plak, binasa. nk ikot hati ke rasa ni eh?
i wanted to choose both. tp nnt msk neraka jahanam la jwpnye. =))

friends or foes

a friend in need is a friend indeed.

last week, i was totally upset. i told u abt my heartaches and stuff. dont worry. i'm all healed now. haha. someone told me tht i could have her superwoman title for a day, and tht helped me a lot. tanx neddy. although i didnt manage to read anything for my chemistry, at least i was doing okay. tht's good news right?

apek and neddy comforted me tht night, and also adeeb. it feels great to be surrounded by friends who care. i know, i'm lucky. apek and i went back to melaka and he accompanied me a lot, melayankan sy yg patah hati. pg shopping pn trpksa ditemankn. hee.

sorry guys, i'm sticking with him. no, i'll be more miserable and all broken if i leave him. i'm not willing to go through those 7 months without him again. no.

note to self; u're asking for it. dont regret if u end up with ur heart shattered to pieces again.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

comfort zone

i'm listening to d'masiv, merindukanmu. credits to ned for this soothing song. i still havent started on anythg for my chemistry, but i will, soon. pray tht i wont fail this time yeah? my head's throbbing so bad, i hadnt stop crying for almost 2 hours now. i need to stop now, chemistry wont wait for me to be okay.too bad.

i'm leaving everything behind, and i'm going back to melaka tmrw. i'll seek some comfort there. mom, i need u. comfort me pls. i wish tht i could stay with u forever. u're the one who cared abt me most, i know tht, and u always will.

heart, hold on for a while yeah? bear with me a little longer. i pity u, as much as i pitied myself as i'm not able to protect u from harm. we'll go through ths together okay? be strong.

i feel stupid

i am stupid, i know. i need someone to just slap me, and tell me tht i'm stupid. pls tell me to stop wtvr i'm doing now. i'm crying so bad now, my heart is hurting, yet again.just tell me to let go and move on,pls. no, dont tell me, just MAKE me let go and move on.ouh, i need a hug so bad rite now. pls, pls, pls tell me tht everythg's gonna be okay.

am i not good enough for u? i'm pretty sure i am. i've been the best, most understanding, most loyal, most stupid gf on earth. wht else do u want? i trusted u, my mistake then. ouch, it freaking hurts. i've got to stop doing this to myself, finals near u know. and i have chemistry trials tmrw. haha. great timing. i really, really, really dont wanna fight with u. i thought we're doing okay, wht happen to all ur promises?

pls someone mke this stop. i need to study. seriously.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

embrace it.

she gave up on being mad. deep inside, she knows tht he feels the same way too. nope, she wasnt assuming or hoping tht he'd love her the way she do. she just feels it. he wasnt a person who's good at telling her how he feels abt her, he never was, and never is. she had known him long enough to know tht fact. he was wrong for being too busy, for being too ignorant, but he's just being.. him. in the end she cant argue with the fact tht she loves him for who he is. despite everythg tht her silly mind keeps telling her, she wont budge. she wont walkaway, because she knows tht he is actually trying too. only tht, she keeps on blaming him for his imperfection. because he's not like everyone else's bf. he's my bf. i love him and i always will.

there goes all my "jiwangness". i know, i grumble a lot. i wanted a perfect fairytale for myself. haha, wake up girl. u're not cinderella, and he's not prince charming, thank you. ;)

Monday, October 19, 2009

sexy bitch

it's never my intention to fight with u. i know tht i'm gonna be the one ending up crying, and alone too. come on baby, ask my friends, ask my family, they'll know tht i'm not someone with patience and tolerance over stupid things. god knows why i can be patient and tolerate all ur nonsense, when all u know is being ignorant. it's funny tht when i get mad at u, u'll get mad at me instead. i've tried being nice to u, but then u told me tht i'm being rude, yada,yada,yada. my fault is ur main priority. have u seen urs? hve u ever take a second to think, why did i get mad in the first place? nope, its not my pms. it has never been my pms.and yeah, try to learn how to appreciate me, as much as i appreciated u being here with me. i said try, right? i'm tired of being mad at u because of the same thing, over and over and over again. enough testing me all right? do remember this. i have feelings too.

Sunday, October 18, 2009


yeah, take wht u think is urs. all i want is for u to just freaking dissapear from my life. ouh, how i wish i could tell u how much i hate u. words can never match the amount of hatred i feel for u, and just so u knw, i dont dislike someone easily, but i hate u. i really, really, really hate u, bitch. i didnt take him away before, coz he wasnt mine anymore. so why do u want him now? just bcoz tht he's mine now? go ahead, have him all u want. u're funny, girl. i'm laughing at u now. =))

give me some peace of mind, pls. i want to be happy too. just fucking go, okay?

Saturday, October 17, 2009

i wanted to go, but..

here's an announcement. i have the all american rejects concert ticket which is on 31st of october. i'm not going sadly. and i'm selling it now. u can tell me if u want it, okay.

Friday, October 16, 2009

blackberry anyone?

my phone suffered a lot. i pity it. broken parts here and there. i think it can only survive for a few months more. waah. the fact is, i love my phone. i've had it for a year and a half now. it went through everything with me. through all the happy times, heartaches, frustrations and weariness, one thing is always by my side. my phone. phone, ouh phone. please dont leave me. i cannot imagine my life without u. life's not worth living in without u. GOD, why'd u wanna take it from me?

i told my mom tht my phone's broken. she refused to sponsor a new one. but u promised a blackberry for me next year. cant i have it now instead? haish. she must be having financial problems now. ;( i wanna be a good child and i never intended to ask for money. i'm so sorry mom. forget the blackberry okay? i love my old phone. gosh. i loathe the fact that i cant work now. why dont money just grow on trees?? i'll be a successful farmer then. yeah, life's unfair, i know.

mom said, forget abt the money issue. move on with life. ouh mom, have i tell u this? i love u so much. u hold on, okay?

body's aching

yeah, my body's aching all over. had a long day yesterday.

went to pyramid with aizat right after class at 5.30pm. we watched papadom! omg, the story's nice and sad, and touching, and great. i almost cried while watching it. i think, tht movie delivers a very clear msg on appreciating our loved ones, which is suitable for aizat to watch. =))

then, we went to pak li in sect 7, with amoi, adam and apek. guess i ran into who?? sofea! bapak lme gle xjmpe kn. tp xsempat borak lme pn, coz uitmnye gate ttp kul 11 kn.

i lost count of the activities after tht. all i knw is that, all of us left AC at 5 am. and i was exhausted. slept like a pig till 4.30pm, just now.

we had a great time yesterday. and maybe it did make up for some lost times together. yeah syg, we could always try.

Thursday, October 15, 2009


what goes around comes around. familiar with that? yeah, org kate, buat baik dibalas baik, buat jahat pun dibalas jahat. and so i'm thinking now, maybe i've treated someone badly before this. that's why i'm treated badly this time. my mind traces back to that someone. i treated him badly, i used to ignore him and lie a lot. without feeling bad about it. ouh yeah, i was like a bitch to him. when he's texting too much, i grew tired of him and dumped him, with a stock of curses. verrrryyyy bad i tell u. and he just told me this: one day, i'll feel the same. someone will treat me tht way. he said tht he'll never forgive me. ever.

is this the freaking karma then? damn. that's so soon.

to that someone, i'm sincerely sorry that i toyed with ur feelings. i hope that u've moved on, and i hope tht u're having a great life. u're a nice guy, i know u'll find someone better.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

hot and cold

shit. i'm pissed off. baru ak taw ckp ngn dinding tu cmne rsenye. dah pro da ckp ngn dinding skang. come2. nk battle? sialan.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Jakuns, putrajaya & ...

yesterday was crap. i got my bio, english and chemistry marks. guess wht?? i failed my chemistry. waaaaah. it was unexpected, coz the questions were easy. darn it. thts why its a big deal. i went back to casa with aizat, too upset to talk much. he made me feel better at least. =)
ble tbe mlm hari, terlepaslah si jakun2 drpd ikatan. haha, apek and i both had a bad day, so we went hanging out with adam. release sket stress. kami mengembara smpi putrajaya, went karaoke-ing there, and sight seeing. sumpa, gle mcm tourists ouh. i didnt know that putrajaya looked so beautiful at night, cyes mcm bandar metrofulus dlm cte cicakman. haha.
me, apek, adam and abg ngah.
me, adam and apek. *poyo gle apek xnk amek gmba. haha.*
smlm happy sgt. ni sume gara2 da lme x karaoke. habes my voice box, jerit2, more than nyanyi2. =))
smlm pnye smlm tgk cte the perfect getaway, midnight di pyramid. bes gk cte dye ouh. next time, if i'm not happy with my life, i'm gonna go and be a serial killer and steal other ppl's identity. cool. haha.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

minus busyness, n i get?

he's just not tht into u. fullstop.

yeah, mama D asked me just now, "minus all his busyness jeje, wht else changes?". and i think, n think, n think. i can actually mke a list of it now.

1. he used to txt me evryday. now, all i do is txt him wout getting a reply.
2. we used to spend time together, and he was willing to spend time together. now, we rarely spend time together. n its hard to see him even tht we're in the same college.
3. he used to tell me where he's going, no matter how busy he was. now, i dont evn get a reply if i asked where he was going. n i didnt knw where he was, until haziq or smebody else told me. imagine hw i must've felt at tht time.
4. my msgs used to be in his inbox all the time. recently, i opened his inbox, and all my msgs were deleted. even the most recent one. all he hve in there was his friends msgs.
5. i saw an unknown no in his dialled list and sent items. i asked him who is it? he told me tht it was his friend. only tht the msg sent was" u oke?" n the time at which he dialled tht no was when he told me the next day," sorry syg, i ttdo da smlm." bcoz he didnt reply my msgs at tht time.
6. wht else changes? the way he treated me, n mke me feel tht i'm not important at all. i always end up getting my feelings hurt, sometimes i think tht he doesnt realise tht he's hurting me u knw.

one thing doesnt change. its the way i feel abt him. i knw tht he had tried too, in the beginning, to make this work. wht abt now? i dnt knw wht went went wrong, but it seems like we're drifting apart. but i dont wanna go and make assumptions this time, i guess lets see how it goes frm now. i'm taking in all the curses frm my friends and family saying tht i'm stupid, and tht ths thing will end like it did before. i believe in him this time, and i defended him, i wont let this goes to waste.

finally, minus busyness i get? him.

klcc, here we come!

i woke up when someone hugged me frm behind. yeah syg, wht is it? haha. of course it was nt him. it was mimi, trying to wake me up. there goes my sweetdream, mimi. haish.

jeng, jeng, jeng. plan for today: all girls trip to klcc. *ala, mcm bdk2 skola tuu.* hee.
and so mimi, diana, and myself headed to klcc at 3pm and reached there at 4.30pm. just for the sake of travelling, we treated ourselves like the jakuns, and tourists the whole day. and, and, and, i managed to just go window shopping in klcc. although i feel like buying something, this time i did resist the urge to shop. =)) after tht, we went walking around the taman there. and camwhoring, as usual.
me and mimi. squatting bcoz the grass was wet. haa.
yeah, i'm freaking happy. ;D
kne kejar ngn pak guard lps ney. *we're not supposed to wear shoes there u see.* hehe.
at the end of the day, with diana. gle pnt ouh.
we reached home at 1o.30pm. and apek and myself went down lepaking until 1am. overall, i'm drained out of energy. today's fun! it took my mind off things, at least. tanx everyone, u guys made my day a wonderful one. ;)

baby, come home.

hello world
hope u're listening
forgive me if i'm young
for speaking out of turn
there's someone i've been missing
i think that they could be
the better half of me
they're in their own place
tring to make it right
but i'm tired of justifying
so i'll say..

come home, come home,
coz i've been waiting for u for so long, so long
and right now there's a war between the vanities
but all i see is u n me
and the fight for u is all i've ever known
so come home..

one republic: come home

currently i'm listening to this song. yeah, the meaning is deep for me. syg, return ur old self to me pls. (pathetic, i know. but still...)

Friday, October 09, 2009

cerita lemonade

when life gives u shit, nevermind, dont be mad. there's never really a reason to be mad at life. i used to be one of those ppl who thought tht life was so unfair. why am i not freaking rich?? why am i not skinny enuf?? why am i not beautiful like her?? yada, yada, yada.. recently, i've been told that someone had died. i dont even know tht person u see. he's someone's cousin. he had an accident and just died. it got me thinking u knw, life's so short. all this while, i only know how to complain abt life not being perfect for me.

mom said, when life gives u lemon, its okay. u can always drink lemonade right? =) and so i tried to make my life fun and worth living. hey, i'm already 18. these days, when i go to college, i found out tht i can actually be happy if i wanted to. even if i fought with aizat, or someone mistreated me, i have friends who actually care abt me. i'm happy and content with life now.

as for me and aizat, i'm not giving up on trying yet. yeah, i love him. a lot. and we're doing okay now.

almost 11 months and still counting. =)
2 hours and 30 mins.

so, yesterday brula dpt kua ngn si dye. itupun stelah dye dileteri. i wasnt expecting much, just a regular movie-dinner date. its okay for me as long tht we get to spend time together. after class, i went to see him. and ouh, suddenly he felt like going to a program in ur college tht day. luckily he lost the ticket, and we ended up going to pyramid instead. by saying WE, now there's three of us instead of two. haziq tagged along. and it wasnt a date anymore. we went to maxis centre there, coz haziq needed to pay his bill. then, we watched 500 days of summer at tgv, and went back after tht.
fine, fine. i'm gonna be patient again this time. i havent seen u for like forever, and i get to spend only 2 hrs and 30 mins with u? crap. i might really get tired of trying this time.

attn: ned, u shud watch the movie. rse2, ssuai ngn kite ouh. =)

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Hari ini sy blaja benda baru.
today, i had my chemistry test, which turned out to be okay. despite the fact tht i didnt finish reading ONE whole chapter on instrumental analysis, i still think tht this time i had a chance of not failing chemistry. fuh, i was lucky tht the questions selected by my teacher's nt tht complicated. and so, since the tests are over,(for now at least,) my hsemates decided to watch Friday the 13th. halfway through the movie, we realised tht it was uncensored. haha, dah tgk sparuh, so abeskn jela till the end. to other friends: pls dont watch this movie if u're with kids. xpasal2 dpt sex education nnt. i mean, SERIOUSLY.

lalalalala, nk g smayang taubat la pasni. hilang ilmu sy. =PP.

nak pergi date la besok. my class ended early tmrw!

Friday, October 02, 2009

Last Week: 26 September 2009.

i was bored last weekend, and so i texted a few of my friends and asked to go beraya at their house. (bapak xmalu gle aku ney). many of them weren't back yet from their hometown and some of their houses are just too far away. finally, ameer and ninie agreed to let me go beraya. yayy! since aizat promised to take me beraya, he was dragged along . first,we : haliq and myself went to aizat's house, then me,azrai, haliq and naem went to ameer's hse. dok2 skejap di sane b4 going to our next destination: ninie's house. ameer tag along, and so, there's like six of us. dalam perjalanan ke bandar kinrara, kami byk kali tersesat, until abt 1 hr after tht bru smpi uma ninie. hee, sampai2 kami sume dijamu dgn dinner, prepared by ninie's mom. =) haa. tanx a lot ninie, akhirnye dpt jumpa dye juga. lame gle rsenye xjmpe ninie, rindu sgt. overall, i had a great time that day, dpt juge pergi beraye, although pg 3 ruma aje.

peace everyone. attn: i'm not mentally ill or smething. =)

sisterly love. owwww. i miss them.

sharina was trying to put on her high heels. (toncet and i are taller than her u see.)

all DA GALS. poor nadia. she's so small, and yet i'm sitting on her lap. ;PP


dpn ruma ninie. gelap sgt, so x nmpk ouh.

haliq and baby sofia. comey sgt haliq kn2??