Saturday, January 30, 2010

a real gentleman

this is what i see in our society today. LOTS OF gentleman, in love. what do i mean by that? a sweetheart, they are sweet-talkers, flower-givers, poem writers. they held ur hands, handbags, ur purchases. they carry u when u're tired, wait for u no matter how slow u walk. they are generous, pay for ur every expenses, that is without whining. they queue for ur food, anything else baby? that's their question. well, sweet guy they were, before they tie the knot.

how many real gentlemen they are left after they get married? and how many are left after they have kids?
the reality is, we women will be the ones who'll be left walking behind when we go shopping, we have to pay for our own purchases, we queue, but they sit waiting for us to buy food, we'll be the ones who'll be up in the middle of the night taking care of the babies, we'll do almost everything, sadly, on our own. and finally, my dad's not a real gentleman, i'm willing to admit that.

see, when i got home two days ago, my mom's like a single mom with three kids.*that is my two younger brother and my sister at home* i'm actually like a stranger, watching everyone there. dad's not home at all. at least he was home when i was a lot younger. i resented the fact that my two younger brother have to grow up with his absence all this while. i resented the fact that my mom slept alone at night. i resented the fact that he was not there and i miss him. i dont get it sometimes. what is there to hide anymore? the cracks are already there, why cant we all know the truth? it might hurt us all, but its gotta be better somehow.

i watched my friend's dad, and how close they were. i cant help but wishing for the same thing for us. how did we end up being like this? as much as i wanna hate u, u're still my dad. and forever will be. i wish u were here, dad. i miss u.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

penikam belakang

i wanted to have a better life this year. which means, less enemies, more great friends. i longed to be good to just about everyone. i like being positive and i keep bearing in mind that if i'm treating others good, i'll have something good in return too.*translation: buat baik dibalas baik la kannn.* jadi, saya sangat2lah upset bila difitnah beberapa hari yang lalu.

apa yang difitnahkan? yang penting, apakah punca saya difitnah? dan, siapakah yang manabur fitnah?

untuk revealkan semua detail, saya enggan mengaibkan tuan punya diri yang menabur fitnah. almaklumlah, dikalangan kawan2 saya juga si dia itu. untuk lagi senang, saya namakan sibabi hutan ini mr.y. ada dikalangan rakan2 saya juga tahu bahawa saya sedang rapat dengan seorang mr.s. nak dijadikan cerita, mr.y ini pergi call si mr.s ni konon2 nak bertanya khabar. bila ditanya mr.s dia sedang denga siapa sekarang, sudah tentulah jawapannya saya. dan dengan penuh confidentnye, mr. y si culprit ney memfitnah dengan mengatakan saya sudah mempunyai bf baru sejak saya clash dengan aizat. khabarnya bf baru saya itu student segi college. yang menaikkan kemarahan saya, si mr.y ini sanggup bersumpah dengan nama allah bahawa semua yang disampaikan dia itu adalah benar belaka.

"kau kan kenal aku lagi lama daripada shak. takkan la aku nak tipu kau. apa faedah aku nak tipu kat kau? lagipun, kau ngan shak kan jauh. aku dok satu tempat plak dengan dia. mestilah aku lebih tahu."

dan fitnah mr.y telah mengakibatkan kerenggangan antara saya dan mr, s yang konon2nya dirinya telah ditipu oleh saya. saya yang tidak tahu difitnah oleh siapa dan mengapa hanya mampu merenung nasib jela. yang penting, setelah dikorek2 cerita dan dengan penjelasan panjang lebar, berjaya juga tahu siapa mr.y bodoh babi bangang tu.

tahun ni, saya ada niatlah nak restore friendship saya dan mr. y yang seakan2 terputus waktu berpisah dengan aizat dulu. dah halfway berbaik pun. dah babi hutannye si mr.y ni buat taik dengan saya, memang haramlah saya nak memanjangkan tali persahabatan dengan dia. bayangkanlah, bila dapat tahu difitnah mr. y, menangis saya mengenangkan dikhianati kawan sendiri. tapi xpela. tak rugi pun hilang parasite macam tu. kan?

jadi yang tinggal akhirnya, motif dia berbuat demikian. biarlah saya sahaja yang tahu. xeloklah pula saya nak menabur fitnah pada kawan mr.y itu. nak tahu siapa mr.y ni? tekalah sendiri.
aik, xkan xbley teka kot? haha.

***sometimes i just feel like u cant bear watching me being happy. i think that u're just selfish, like before. the things u once have, must remain yours forever. is that why? i prayed and prayed for ur happiness, never did once i hoped for bad things to ever happen to u. so now what? u resented the fact that i'm farther and farther away from u? deal with it, stop trying to make my life miserable. it never worked, and never will. in my eyes, u're getting more and more pathetic for trying to grab my attention in whichever way u can. i pitied u. should i repeat myself?

its ur loss.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

chris brown



itu dia rambut baruku. i doubt that u guys can see it clearly, since the picture quality is so low. *my wc is broken again, aiyoo.*

whatever. anyway, i loveeeeee the colour this time!

Saturday, January 23, 2010

740

i'm not good at picking colours. i tend to get nervous everytime i dye my hair. although it has been an annual sort of ritual for me to re-dye it, its just natural of me to get scared. what if i had chosen the wrong colour? what if it didnt turn out right? obviously, my hair is almost equal to my EVERYTHING. in about 20 minutes, i'm changing the shade of my hair. maybe lighter than the previous one. hopefully it doesnt look odd with my skin colour. *praying* ;)

ouh, btw. duit jpa dah masuk. LEGANYE...

nerve-wrecking

i'm counting my blessings. when u watch a soap opera and cried for the sad scene, the feeling is totally different when u watch a story which is based on a true story. let me tell u, i've never cried this much before, just because of a movie. but 'one litre of tears' is so heart-wrenching, i cant help but cry, and cry, and cry.

ever heard of spinocerebellum atrophy before? well, i havent. until i watched this movie. it's a very rare disease in which it's causes remain unknown. the effects toward patients will be degeneration of nervous system and no cure has been found for the disease yet. imagine, if u starts to lose control over ur body, what will u do then? the sufferer of this disease will slowly lose the ability to walk, write and talk over time. he or she can even suffocate on their own saliva. it's really sad for me, to watch someone who was once as fit as a fiddle become so fragile and helpless in the end. she was so young, still in high school when she was diagnosed with that disease. ;(

okay, moving on. i've decided on my english research project topic, and so did my biology research project. haha. i've even borrowed the books needed for referencing. and i'll tell u this. the books are definitely equivalent to dictionaries and damn. it was so HEAVY that my arms are sore till now. not to worry, i shall work out enough energy to look at the books soon. as for now, i need to get some rest. =)

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

gimme more. aww.

how do u define a stalker?
i believe that there are many ways for a person to be a stalker. maybe through social networking sites. thats what's common nowadays. but, what if u get a stalker in real life? someone who's eyeing u from afar, close enough to harm u? how's that then?

u see, i would say that today is an uneventful day overall. but i was safe in casa subang when mimi came to my room and give me a picture of ours. i asked her, where did she get it? that's the funny part. she told me that one of the guards in college gave it to her as soon as he saw her. weird thing is, she didnt know him, and it was dark. he couldn't have possibly seen her. unless he was familiar with her, familiar with me or familiar with both of us. its creeping mimi and i out, because the picture printed was from our phones and edited by us a week earlier. so, how did it ended up in wrong hands?

i still dont know how or why, but thank you dear stalker. u make me wanna throw up. shittttttttt.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

sonia bus

so tell me how, i'm gonna find a glimpse of hope to make it across the sea when i already stopped trying? i'm in my most lazy state now, and shit. i hate it. i know i'm not born this lazy.*okay, i'm exaggerating.* but the fact is, i'm just totally lazy these days, and tired, and restless, and fat, anddddddddddd i'm whining a lot. well, i know that. ughhh. PMS ka? i think so. whatever it is, everything leads back to the fact that my timetable suckkksssssss. seriously, i have two breaks a day and malaysian studies class to attend in the afternoon. it doesnt matter how many classes i have a day, i still have to leave at 7am and be back at home at 7pm every day. its wearing me out, like, fucking wearing me out.


ouhh. did i mention that the busses that were supposed to be taking us to and from college, has been reduced in number? damnnnnnnnnnnnnn. and so,the probability of me standing when i take the bus is 4/5. which is just another shittt this year for me. (-__-")


no more fun for 2010. no more lepaking. no more staying up late at night. please, let this sem end fast. i'm tired. serious shit. i'm tired.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

the mango tree.

its' time to regret. its time to starve. its time to go on strike.

yes, the money from jpa is still not in my bank account. which means that i have to spend less, eat less and shit less. wtf? my classes starts so much early this sem and i feel like i could possibly digest a cow every morning. god bless me for eating a lot, but i need all the energy that i can get to survive the whole day in college. which also leads me into being as fat as a pig. i mean it. who's to blame? well i blame the money that doesnt seems to grow on trees. haha.

well, i'm counting the days before the money will safely be in my hands. i'm tired of calling my parents and asking for more money. i'm sure they have other things to worry about, other than me.

but someone certainly doesnt mind eating anything, including money. and still manages to look superbly cute while doing it! ;)


btw, kiddo. i miss u so much. u've grown a lot, i see. i wonder if u still remember me. haish.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

the perfect bra

they say that the perfect bra completes u. it complements ur shape, giving u the boost u needed. and definitely lends it's support. if u have a bra that fits, u can wear anything and feel that u worth a million dollar, baby. u're comfortable in it, and it knows ur true colour. no matter what u wear on the outside. the perfect bra knows it all.

it knows how to protect u from being ashamed, just because u're not willing to show too much. it loves u, no matter what size u may be. what cup u may had. be it A, B, C, or D. it'll still be there for u. the perfect bra made u into who u are now. from just being A, to B. and maybe later C.

i need the perfect bra for myself. i know that someday i'll meet the right person. just like the perfect bra. and when i meet that person, i'll hold on to him. and i'll never let go. ;)

Thursday, January 14, 2010

ouh, sekarang baru kau rasakan penangannya. semester baru, dengan semacam punye busy dan macam2 activity pulak. haha. dan sekarang kau da kena join cocurriculum? waaah. bertambah menarik hidup kau lepas ni shakhina ahmad. padan muka. padan muka. padan muka.

haish, hari2 makin meletihkan. ini baru permulaan sem. dan activiti koku pun belum start lagi, tapi kepenatannya amat dirasai. homework dan assignment pula da makin banyak bertimbun. god, sejak bila mufy ney da jadi program banyak kerja? dan sejak bila pulak mufy da jadi program "no life" ney?? adoi. boleh gugur rambut kalau nak difikirkan. jadi, terima lah hakikat yang hakiki cik shakhina. no more gugu-gaga-all-the-time for u now.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

jake sully, fatty stuff.

these days, going to college wasnt that exciting anymore. waking up as early as 6 am, is maybe part of the reason. i'm whining a lot about the early hours i spent at college, i know. but it cant be helped. i cant concentrate because i'm sleepy. and i cant get my work done, because at the end of the day i'll get so tired that i dont wanna do anything but lay in bed. *okay, tipu aje. penat dan malas sebenarnye.* tomorrow's gonna be a day full of classes, again. haha. i cant wait. bring it on, baby!

ouh, yesterday i watched avatar with my housemates. it was funny to me, as everyone's so skinny in their avatar form. i wanna get an avatar for myself then. it'd be nice wearing a bikini in that type of body. but then again, grosssssssss. they're blue in colour right? no, no. i'll look like a frog. A BLUE FROG. euwwwww.

Friday, January 08, 2010

confession

i dont know which one is worst. losing a close friend, or losing the chance to work things out and start a new relationship. i think i had lost both. which is awful. okay, i'll admit that i sucked bad at relationships. i cant stay committed for more than 3 months in most cases, except for that one case lah. up till now, i envied every single girl whose had a relationship which lasted for more than a year. i wanted something that would last too. i wanted my own fairytale. but life's unfair. yes?

but i'm really trying to make myself better at it, if i ever wanna have one. just as my previous love-you-so-much-i'd-die-for-u story had ended up in the drain, i'm determined to stay single for a while. and to find someone i really liked before starting up fresh. its fun being single, to know that i have a lot of options to choose from, and to play cat and mouse sometimes. ;) whatever. the thing is, i'm ready to settle down now.* ceh, cakap gaya macam nak kahwin je. pegi bunuh diri sekarang!* its hard, after such a heartbreak, to try and let someone else into my life. but trying wont hurt right? well, i hope so. i have certain candidates in mind. GOD, GIVE ME SOMEONE BRAND NEW, SOMEONE I DIDNT KNOW AT ALL.

Thursday, January 07, 2010

on something recent

what more can we save? there's nothing left. even to walk on the same street, exchange glances, and look away, that's too much for us. i learnt from bio that heart is a myogenic organ. that it has its own mechanism. that's so true. obviously my brain cant control the rhythm of my heart. in which it gets faster everytime that u're near. i thought that its beat, should get normal by now. but it didnt. my brain shut u down, but my heart is completely unnafected.

yes, i chose to remember only the good values in u. and i'd like to believe that someday u'll grow up and be a real man. we all make mistakes, and sometimes we didnt know how bad the consequences will be. we being together was a mistake in the first place, and the consequences are hard to bear,definitely. but the thing that i'm most afraid of now is that, i just might turn into someone like u.

the mistakes u made, i'm afraid of repeating it. i'm afraid of doing that to someone else. maybe i had did that already. u certainly taught me well, that i dont feel whatever things that i was doing which was similar to u, wrong. and it scares me. it scares me to hurt others the same way u did. but can i help it now? i hope i can. i know i'm a billion times better than u. GOD, let me be a billion times better than u. and i choose to be better than u. i'm gonna bring happiness, and only happiness. u might make my heart beat faster, but there's others who's heart is beating faster because of me. so, live with it.

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

riang ria hari raya


this picture was from the jpa meeting yesterday.

today classes started with bio early in the morning, followed by maths. in which both classes gave me non stop yawns, and tears in my eyes. *this is why i hated class early in the morning, mengantuk taw.* luckily there was break at 11. but it was still too early to go n have lunch. =|
have to get used to my new lunch time now, though. haish.

english was right after that, and followed by another break. this time, i went for lunch and catch up n my sleep in the library. last class for the day, chemistry.

today, i'm so tired i cant even think straight. and, i have runny nose now. thanks to mimi. ;( everyday's gonna be like this for the rest of the sem. i better get used to it.

ouhh, btw. i'm currently happy with mr. s.

Monday, January 04, 2010

hari esok saya ke sekolah.

sekian lama saya tidak bangun betul2 awal untuk ke sekolah, apatah lagi kelas. semester lepas, kelas saya hanya bermula pada jam 11 pagi, dan berakhir jam 5.00 petang. alangkah bahagianya, bangun pagi pun tak terlalu awal, pukul 9 da bangun. pukul 9.45 da naek bus dan pukul 10.20 selamat sampai di college.

tapi lain hal pula bile register pagi td. i discovered that my classes will start as early as 8.30 am, and end at 4pm. adoi, berpinar-pinar sebentar kepala memikirkannya. macam mane la nk bgn awal sgt ke kelas ney? kalo nk catch bus 7.30 am, confirm kne bangun pukul 6. dan confirm mengantukkkkkkkkk. ya allah, kuatkanlah semangat hambamu ini. ;(

boleh pnye kan, ape plak x boleh? shakhina boleh!

ouh yeah, semalam i'm having trouble sleeping. kul 4 ke 5 pg baru terlelap. let's hope that it will not happen again tonight. i need all my energy to focus on my studies. pretty pleaseee.

kutub sunway

ouh yeahhh. kembali kepada keadaan sejuk teramat di college. i'm in the library now, and its freezing cold. hurmm. i wonder if they ever did switch off the air cond? i'm getting a lil brain freeze here. hello? anybody there? urghh. internet yang lembab lagi. shitttt.

Sunday, January 03, 2010

to kill a mockingbird

its sunday, and tomorrow i'm going back to my beloved college to register my subjects and stuff. tomorrow, will be the first day i'm back in college after a whole month of break. and guess what? i'm nervous. i'm hoping that everything's gonna be okay for this semester. i'm counting on myself to make it okay. please, please, be okay.

for this semester i'm going to take ENGLISH PART B, MATHEMATHICS PART B, CHEMISTRY PART B, and BIOLOGY PART B. same subjects as the previos sem, but more complicated i believe. did i mention before this that i hate literature? yeahh. i hate it. and its all about literature for my eng part B. the others, should be okay. i hope so. i have to score wayyyy well this time, remember?

okay. enough moaning. i have to go read the novel now. "to kill a mockingbird". but, i still havent bought it yet. so how? haish.

kangaroo.

okay, ramai2. mari kita semua tutup mata dan berangan sebentar. kata orang, seumur hidup ni kita boleh banyak kali jatuh cinta. tapi kita akan berhenti, bila kita da jumpa org yang kita tunggu2 selama ini. like, ' he's THE ONE '. or, ' she's THE ONE '. so, i just have this thought in mind. i'm wondering what the future will be like, for me. i'm curious as to what kind of person i'll be marrying, what kind of life i'm gonna have and stuff.

life will never be easy. finding our ways, and learning from our previous mistakes will help make it easier. when we fall, try to get back on our feet and walk again. i dont know what the future will bring me, but i freaking hope that it's good. i still dont know what to become, after i finish my studies. i want to become a successful person, but i dont knw what job i'll be taking. see, i havent make my mind yet. at this age, i think just about everyone has a clear vision on what they'll be doing in the future. sadly, not for me. scoring straight a's in spm doesnt help in my decision making. yes, i'm gonna take a degree in biotech. but i'm not sure if that's what i wanna do. u get what i mean?

i wanna have the opportunity to go and study abroad. i dont really mind studying in malaysia before this, but now that a lot of my friends are gonna leave the country this year, i feel the envy building up inside. this is what i had wanted since i was a kid. the very reason why i've applied and graduated from mrsm. the only future i had imagined. to study abroad. in australia to be exact. i know that there have to be reasons behind everything tht HE has laid out for me in life. but i want a second shot at it. please, let me graduate with such great grades this sem and make it possible for me to consider for other options to go and study in aussie.

Saturday, January 02, 2010

mari membuat biskut!

yeah people, i've finally accomplished my long time dream. to successfully bake chocolate chip cookies. no, its not that i've never baked cookies before. but it just wont turn out right before this. and that is why, i'm so happy that i've found the right recipe to bake them. sebenarnye recipe ini dicuri daripada mama hanis zalikha. if u guys want the recipe, please visit her blog for more info.

and the moment that u've all been waiting for, is hereeeeee. nah, the pics before and after. i couldnt snap much u see, coz i was busy making it. ;)

the dough makes A LOT OF cookies, i'll assure u that. a whole big jar, to be exact.

sedap tawwww, rugi x makan. hehehe.

ouh, hari ini saya akan kembali ke subang. monday da kne register for class. i feel sad leaving home now. waaaah, there goes my home-cooked meals. back to mamak food now, i guess.

Friday, January 01, 2010

4, 3, 2, 1!

BISMILLAHIRRAHMANIRRAHIM~

orang kate, nak mulakan ape2 pun, kene dengan bismillah kan. jadi saya ingin memulakan tahun 2010 ini dengan lafaz tersebut. dalam hati ney, perlahan2 saya memanjatkan syukur ke hadrat Ilahi kerana masih diberi kesempatan meneruskan satu lagi tahun perjalanan dalam hidup saya ini.

tahun 2010, apa yang baru?
kalendar baru semestinya. dan juga diari baru. blog akan ditambah dengan entri2 baru, cerita suka dan duka saya yang anak, cucu dan cicit saya kelak boleh baca.

jadi kita mulakan dengan langkah baru. dan ermmm, gamba baru?

perasan tak gamba ni dengan baju tido? ya, rakan2. new year di ruma sahaja. ;)
nevertheless, i had fun!