Wednesday, March 31, 2010

A

i'm at lost as to what i'm supposed to do now. i've tried so hard and i thought i had completely forget. i thought i've had all the strength to move on. i have moved on, so why is this happening to me? i dont know how seeing someone else can trigger all the things i wanted to forget. it was supposed to be the story of seeing someone else (dating) and forgetting all of the awful things. why isn't it happening?

god, i prayed so hard to forget. so hard. *and this is coming from someone who hardly prays.* i have to forget, i need to forget, i want to forget. please let me forget. i hate being weak. i'm supposed to be strong, i'm supposed to be immune from all of this.

i will be strong. i'm a strong girl. i've come a long way, and i'm not gonna give up.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

kebakaran!!

ingatkan, zaman sekolah-sekolah dulu je nak ade fire drill. skang da msuk college pn ade jugak? haishh. anyway, bila da kata ade fire drill, of course la class pun x de kan? or so i thought la. hehe.

today, we were scheduled to have the fire drill at about 10.30a.m which is right in the middle of my maths class. in the beginning, all of us thought that someone's phone was ringing. kringgg, kringggg, kringgg! but bunyi fire alarm rpenye.*dala slow gile bunyi loceng, nasib baik dengar.* seronok bila tengok Ms K tak sempat nak habiskan mengajar. dye pun excited nak fire drill rupenye! ape lagi, ramai2 serbu sunway pnye field laaaa. i ni dala consider pemalas bab2 berkumpul ramai2 ney, tapi dah sebab terpaksa.. kenalah ikutkan jugak. pak cik polis siap main kejar2 lagi, tak nak bagi student lari gi pyramid.

bila step aje kat padang tu, alamakkkkkkk. basah pulak. and, they said that the fire drill usually lasted for about an hour. semput makcik bedah dengar, taw tak? yang penting, apabila my housemates and i nampak Ms K yang turut sama mahu meloloskan diri, ape lagi..... grab the chance la!

in the end, duduk kat padang tak sampai lima minit. the rest of the two hours, we were eating at ayam penyet. hahaha. kenyang2, balik college balik naek shuttle bus. aikkkk. baru tersedar dah miss one class rupenye. ni sume fire drill pnye pasal. ;)

Sunday, March 28, 2010

tukang interview

i think, when i was younger, i've always had this vision in mind. you know, the vision of me as an actress, singer, yada, yada, yada. pernah jugak mimic tv announcer mse kecik2 dlu. kelakar plak bile ingat balik menyanyi dalam bilik, pegang fake mic, nyanyi lagu siti nurhaliza, siap buat intro lagi sebelum tu.

"selamat malam semua! saya akan mendendangkan sebuah lagu pada malam yang indah ini. lagu ini dipetik dari album terbaru saya, berjudul, Nian. dengarkanlah......"

gila tak bleh blah kan?tapi, dah kata hari2 dok melalak nyanyi lagu same, dengan si toncet jadi audience setia, tukar2 turn nyanyi. hahaha. anyway, sebenarnye i nak cakap pasal presentation malaysian studies i. my groupmates were supposed to come up with our idea of 1Malaysia. so, we decided to do an interview to see if students can speak other language besides their mother tongue. and, guess who's the interviewer??

of course it was me. lol. the video was funny to me, because i was wearing pajama underneath a blazer* yeahhh, i know. weird taste. but heyyy. it was in the middle of the night, and in my apartment. ;)* and, we had to practically train our friends to speak tamil and mandarin. how's that?
video
for the presentation, i wore baju kurung. nak tunjuk semangat 1Malaysia la konon. it was the first time i wore baju kurung to college, and i kan berjalan laju. kain baju kurung i naseb baek x koyak ouh. hehe. one more thing, kitorg x reti macam mane nak rotate video, so it sticks like that during the presentation. i siap suruh audience telengkan kepala lagi nak tgk video kitorg. in the end, lega jugak bila da selesai presentation ney. menyemak jugak bila i kne korek idea nk cakap pasal concept that i'm not clear of. kan?

muahhhhhhh

consider myself as free as a bird now. :)
finally, i get around to stopping it, and saving myself from more troubles. i'll admit that its pretty hard for me to put a stop, and break someone's heart. but i know that he'll somehow understand. aaaaaahhhhh. what a relief.

most importantly, life's getting better now. yeah, i complained a lot that i'm single. but heyyyy, i'm not lying to anyone now. and i certainly love the weightless feeling that i have. okay, i'm sleepy now.

Monday, March 22, 2010

ohana

my weekend was spent in melaka. i came back home after about a month, and there's already so many changes. it scares me. i've always thought that family relations, whatever it is, will stay in tact. of course, i value my family more than anything else in this world. i guess no matter how hard u try, when someone close to u set a distance, its gonna be hard for u to keep up.

i'm very close with my sisters, since we were very young. yeah, we argue a lot. but at the end of the day, all that matters is that we're sisters. i want things to be that way too, this time. i've tried. but it looks like its not gonna happen. i know what's right to do. i'll admit that i'm protective of my sisters. especially my younger one. she's a lot similar to me, compared to sharina. therefore, we're closer. it's just that with things that have been happening to her at school, and everything, it makes me worry about her most of the time. i cant sleep well at night, worrying about her. maybe she didnt know that. i came all the way back to melaka just to see how she's doing. sadly, when i was there being a sister to her, she said that i dont understand her anymore.

it breaks my heart, more than anything to watch someone close to me drift away. i didnt want her to repeat my mistakes, that's why i care. i dont want to see her get hurt. there was never a restriction from me, of who her friends is. i persuade mom and dad to give her a little freedom. i've always been so supportive of her. and yet, it was not enough. she had friends now. she didnt need her sister anymore. that's a fact that i have to deal with. coz its not easy.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

neveready.

three months. i'm always bound to be in a relationship for that period of time, but never more. well, there's one relationship which lasted for more than that, but let's just save our time from hearing that story, AGAIN. anyway, i dont quite know why i tend to get tired of a person after three months. the first two months was okay, but then it just got too intense for me that i simply have to leave.

its the same case this time.no, stop right there. i'm not in a relationship now. but, i'm trying to get to know this particular guy, we get along well. but i'm not interested in him anymore, after about three months being friends with him. can you relate to that now?

remember i told you guys that i'm finally ready to get involved in a new relationship? okay, i might have lied. i think i'm just not ready for any of that yet. i may have whined a lot before, about not having a boyfriend and stuff. but, the truth is, i'm not ready. the wounds of my heartbreak may have healed, but the scar remains there. i'm acknowledging the fact that it's gonna take more time for me to build up my trust for others. heyy, no worries. i will be in a relationship someday, but only with the guy who meets my criteria. yes, i've set my standard this time. and i'm not gonna settle for something less than that.

here's what's hard for me: i dont realize that i've actually toyed with someone else's heart, until yesterday. it is irony for me, as i'm doing exactly what aizat was doing to me before and immediately, i feel bad about it. the right thing to do is, to stop whatever i was doing. yet its hard to break someone's heart. but, i've put down my feet on this matter. and i hope that it doesnt ruin anything. i know that the damage is done. still, it wont hurt to try to mend it right?

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

fabulousity

i envy you. a simple sentence that holds a thousand meanings to it. i envy you, because you came from a great loving family, because you're rich, because you have a loyal boyfriend, because your relationship lasts, because you're beautiful, because you're beautiful plus clever. yes, i envy you.

i love being me, but i still envy you. yes, you. ouh, you.

this week is a less stressful one. no tests, just presentations and movie sessions. i love, love, love not being busy, but it seems like i missed out on a lot of things while i'm busy doing nothing. next week is my bio test, and i sure hope to buck up this time. i should start worrying about my grades now, since i have submitted the application form to monash uni. my first choice is biotech, second, food science and third.... nevermind. i love food science though. jpa wanted me to take biotech, but i hope i can major in food technology under biotech. hehehe. okay, time to sleep is running out! i better not cut it down anymore. ;)

Sunday, March 14, 2010

fakers, fuckers.

i'm upset again with the 'so-called' friends. i'm wondering now, why am i surrounded with fake people? i wish that i could be back in high school where friends are more true to each other, and more innocent. where friends would avoid hurting each other's feelings. its saddening to think of all the good times i had with my good friends back then.

i hate to discover the fact that, as people grew older they got more evil. i'm not saying that i became a better person myself, but i hate to look a person in the eye and deliberate on their honesty. or even laugh silently at how fake they are, u know? that's why i tend to stick with old friends, whom i know would always be there for me no matter what. whom i know could stay true to me.

i'm officially depressed. life's frustrating, everything's frustrating now. i tend to sleep, and wish that i'd never have to wake up. isn't that a big enough sign of depression? i'm really tired of putting up a smile for everyone to see, when indeed i dont feel like smiling at all.

can i be ur friend, pretty please?

i had received a call from someone today. it wasnt a pleasant call for me, and i certainly wasn't pleased with the identity of the caller. let's just say that, i dont understand why some people cannot move on and let me live my life happily. i'm really tired of trying to figure out the intentions of people around me. seriously. this female caller said that she wanted to be my friend, all of a sudden. i was like, wth? yeah, i know who she was, and our last conversation if i had remembered clearly, wasnt actually nice. i mean, both of us were in love with the same man, i'm sure u can imagine how the conversation was like right?

i wish that nothing could ever remind me of the one mistake i regretted most. i wish that no one would remind me of that. and i certainly wish that i would not be associated with the people from his past. especially not his ex girlfriend. her intentions were pretty clear when she called and asked to be my friend. and it rings BAD INTENTION. so, i better watch out for this one.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

whining

i dont know how my rm 2500 dissapear in just a month. well, not exactly dissapear, but its finished. no, i dont think that i'm spending too much on shopping. its the cost of living here basically. i spend most of my money on food, groceries, and college stuff.

okay, college stuff include a lot of things. from photostating to printing to stationeries, to guides, manuals, exercise booklets. yeah. i spent hundreds on that. really, this semester is all about giving out money for education purposes.

since i'm living on my own, groceries are at my own expenses. i didnt get to shop all i want and have everything sent to me since mom and dad never seems to have time to send me here. unlike my elder sister who saves a lot since she shop at home and didnt pay a single cent for it. yeah, and my mom and dad will always drive her back to her uni. unfortunately, not for me though. i have to take a bus to come back here and therefore couldnt bring so many things with me. in fact, i didnt shop at all, at home.

having the water machine at casa subang damaged is not good either. i used to spend about rm 5 for mineral water per week. but now i have to buy bottled ones, which would cost me about rm 5o per week. thats a whole 10 times difference, man!

god, now it makes sense where all my money were spent. problem is, i'm reluctant to call home and ask for money. i mean, come on. 2500 for one whole semester gone in one month? its gonna be hard to cope with that. i'm officially broke for now. i feel like getting myself a part time job. but i dont think i can squeeze some time for that. worst of all, i'd hate to be a burden for my parents.

i guess its a good time to not eat anything and save what little money i have in my bank account.

Friday, March 05, 2010

tayar pancit

hari ini mari berbicara tentang keburukan result bio. yes, sangat teruk ea masyarakat. rasenye tak perlu di mention di sini kerana bakal mengaibkan diri sendiri. haha. ouh, topic inheritance memang mencabar rupanya. tapi, jangan dituding jari pada orang lain, salahkan diri sendiri dulu. mungkin juga saya tidak mencuba dengan sehabis baek, iaitu 200% untuk mendapatkan result terbaek tergempak,meletup satu college, gitu. ouh, tidak. bukan begitu kisahnya.

topic test lain- lain subject menunjukkan result high distinction semuanye. tapi telah di cacat celakan dengan result bio. tapi tak mengapalah. benda dah nak terjadi kan, nak buat macam mane. semalam saya hebat, tidak semestinya hari ini saya kekal hebat. teruskanlah belajar menjadi hebat ye. lepas ini, jangan kau mimpi hendak bersuka ria berlibur berjalan jalan cari makan minum pakwe pacar cowok segala macam. kau duduk rumah saja baca buku makan baca buku makan jadi budak single spek tebal tebal hidup miserable kera sumbang dalam rumah. okay?

ouh, mengapakah ayat sudah menjadi skema? ini kerana saya terpaksa memulakan usaha 200% belajar bersungguh- sungguh sampai pengsan, kalau tak kena kahwin. tapi tiada sesiapa nak kahwin dengan saya. macam mana? sekian, terima kasih.

Wednesday, March 03, 2010

lies, and more lies.

lies. its the thing i hated most in this world. its not that i didnt lie, its just that i hated the fact when people are lying to me. it hurts. it definitely hurts. these days have been less than bearable for me. the stress is building up, i feel like crying everyday. and i'm not clear as for what reasons i'm feeling this way.

i guess i'm disturbed by the fact that there's certain people who's not pleased seeing that i'm happy. i've stayed out of trouble, i tried to make everyone happy. but i still dont understand why my efforts are in vain. i wanted to trust everyone so bad, to think that i'm safe for once, that there's no hidden motives in someone else's kindness. it doesn't seem to be happening.

what happens when the friends u trust betray u, the things u believe in were nothing but lies? just when i open my heart to accept and trust others, why did it have to be crushed again? i didnt ask for this. i'm so confused. i dont know who to trust, who to talk to, life's hard, everything's hard and i'm all alone. i've been holding up for too long, i guess. bottling up my feelings was never a good idea.

and now the tears cant stop falling. ;((

50 years, and still counting

today, the 3rd march 2010 is my mom's 50th birthday. ;)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOM.