Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Some things are just too painful to say out loud.

For me to start writing is so difficult, when there's a lot of things that's been happening. I dont even know where to begin. I feel so numb, so empty. I can't cry, because it seems like something's stuck in my throat, I just can't let it out. ;(

I have no one I can talk to now, I just realized that. It seems like my friend are all busy living their own world, to be concerned about mine. And I just ended my friendship with Hilmey yesterday, which makes it all worse. I just decided that it's best for me to not be friends with someone who's only there to use me for his own benefits. Its really not my cup of tea. I grew tired of him, not being there for me and lying to me about things. He was supposed to be my friend. I dont need another manipulative liar in my life, that's why I told him I couldn't be his friend anymore.

As soon as I reach home yesterday, Mum told me that Dad had a second wife. It didn't come out as a shock, because I always knew that he had another woman. It breaks my heart when I have to hear it from my Mum, and not from him. I'll never forget the look on my Mum's face when she told me that.She's trying so hard to keep it all together, but I know that she must be broken inside to face the fact that my dad's unfaithful. She told me that he was married for three years, and that she knew all along but still kept it a secret. Poor her. I can't ever imagine myself being in her shoes. She said that she kept it a secret so that all of us won't hate Dad. Besides, my brothers were too young to know at that time. They were just kids, and even now I dont think that they're ready with this thing on their plate.

What I noticed at home is that my brothers are skipping school a lot. and by a lot, i mean really A LOT. Two days at least, per week. They're doing terrible in their exams, and they rebel a lot. I can't help but put the blame on my Dad somehow. When I was their age, I had my Dad everyday. He'll scold me if I were to skip school, and I had him with me to help me do my homework, yada yada. But its different for my lil brothers now. My dad will be home once or twice a week. They didn't seem to be getting that much attention from him, and I hated that. I think that its unfair for them to grow up without a dad by their side. And I'm devastated since there's nothing that I can do to make it all better. ;(

One thing I know for sure. My family is always gonna be my priority, no matter what. I've come a long way to realize that nothing else matter, as long as I have them. I really hope we can make this work somehow. Mom, Dad, I love you no matter what. Thank you for making me the person I am now. I am forever grateful for bringing me into this world. Whatever it is, lets get through this together, yeah?

married for 25 years.


Rabiatul said...

hey, not sure you igt i tak, its me beah..?
anyway im overwhelmed by this post, but you're a strong women. patience is the key, insyaAllah everything's going to be fine :)
we all hope.

Nur Shakhina Ahmad said...

yeahh. i ingat you lagi. ;)
thanks yeah. i really appreciate that.