Sunday, October 31, 2010

Officially tired of, I dont know. You?

Damn, I wanna go back home. Staying here is just sucking the life out of me day by day. Like wtf. I don't even care anymore. I'm done trying.

Ouh, yeah. All the best for my first paper tomorrow. FML.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

So it seems

I MISS THIS.
September 09.


They say we tend to hurt those closest to us. I don't know what is wrong with all of us lately, we hurt each other, we get mad at each other, and we never let it out. We got into a silly argument, apologize, but never really move past it. Then I thought, what changed between all of us? What drove us to go to the extend that we had, just to hurt each other?

I guess I've figured it out. We are so close that we thought our jokes, no matter how harsh, had little effect on the other. That's where we were wrong. We forgot. We ignored the fact that we were all friends, and friends take care of each other. Things might be hard on your friends, you should be there for them, not make things harder for them.

I realized that we no longer share our problems as much as we used to. I should have been there for you, and I know I haven't been much of a good friend lately, I've been busy and that's no excuse. For that, I'm sorry. But you know I'll be here when you need me, right?

One thing for sure, we gotta reduce the teasing and harsh jokes yeah? I kinda think that it somehow brings the bad side of us, and I don't wanna fight anymore. Lately I'm feeling sad, and I really need my friends and family on my side. That's why I love hanging around your room, where there'll be you guys who never failed to make me laugh. I hated being alone, that's the honest truth. ;(

Anyway, I know both of you are good friends, and I appreciate you guys being there for me through thick and thin. Much love, sayangs. Please, let's not fight again?

-.-

Wow. kena remove dari private reading list.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Watch me burn

And sometimes, I think I can't take it anymore.

Life's been giving me shit, and I've been holding on hoping it'll get better. They say there's a silver lining to every cloud. But where's mine? I've caught words that maybe mom and dad are getting a divorce. Hell, its been bothering me for days. I don't know how to react to that, so I've been putting up a front. In front of my sister, friends. I dare not cry. Because crying simply confirms the fact that they are splitting up after all, and never in a million years would I want that for them.

Things didn't get better with me dealing with stuff along the way. I have friends who listen. But how long will they be listening to me ranting over family stuff, my issues and all? I figured they are tired of it at some point. I am selfish. They have things to worry about too, right?

I can't talk to my family either, I'm suppose to be the strong one. I'm at a dead end, and I'm done talking. No matter how much I talk about it, no one understands. No one can help, I'm stuck with myself, thinking, hoping that everything will be better. Wishing for the bad things to be over. Yeah, God is testing me. But you see, I'm not good at handling it. I'm at breaking point now.

Really, I just can't take the shits anymore.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Brain Transplant (-.-)

I am back in Subang for a couple of days already now. Well, aside from work which is killing me now, nothing new arrived at my door. Its the Mid Summer Sales season now, and the ladies are storming in our store non-stop. Gosh, I hate ladies and our shopping habits. Damnnnn, the shop is in a mess and I'm about to run amok simply coz I'm just tired of arranging the clothes.

And so, this week I'm suppose to study, study and studyyy, seeing next week my first paper is on Monday. ;( Urghh. I hate finals. I'm just too lazy this sem to even study. But I told you guys that, already, didn't I?

Anyway, I'm home alone right now. Diana went out with Nur, and Mimi is not back here yet. I miss her already. There's just so many things that I wanna tell her. She'll be home tomorrow though, and I can't wait!

As for now, I'm bored. Mind me, will ya? :))


Mak cik Shakhina grinning.

She wanna play cak cak now.

Cak!

I love youuu, muahhhhh! ;)

Okayyy, I better go and study now.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Goodbye my almost lover

I am so sad right now after watching the latest episode of Vampire Diaries. Wth, seeing Stefan cry just makes me cry too. ;(

Damnn. I wish my boyfie would love me as much as Stefan. ;( But this world is no fairy tale. No Stefan for me to hug and cry on his shoulder. I gave up on loving someone that much a long time ago. Well, I guess that works well for me. I think so. I dont know.

Anyway, Leen gave me a song just now. And I think its sweet, and very appropriate for me. ;)
Here it is.


Goshh. SAD mood these days. sighhh.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Motherchuckerrr

Noticed my new layout? It seems like I have too much time on my hands to change layout, edit, yada yada. I'm still struggling to concentrate on studying though. During the day, I'll just wake up late, watch Supernatural and well do nothing. I'm a night person I guess, coz I really can't study in the day.

Dangggg, so may chapters to cover and all I've got left is a week. The stress is building up and I hate it! I wish it'll all be over soon. I'm having new dilemmas to deal with now.

Well, not so new because its my weight issues. Shit, I hate being fat. It just makes me feel so low. I shall start dieting from now onwards. I'm actually planning on oat diet. I hope that it'll work. Whatever it is, its a pressure for me to look good in my uniform AND to look good ALWAYS.

wth. I wish I was born skinny and pretty. ;(

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

So help me God

I'm stuck at home being a maid, and wtf, I can't study! It's not because of me helping out with the chores at home or anything. Its just me, doing shits and refuse to study. Ughhhhhh. I really really really don't want to screw up this time. So God, help me with this. Why am I so lazyyyyy?

I know I needed help, but I refuse to get it. What in the world is wrong with me? ;(

I need to study. I have to study. Finals gonna be hard, I'm not kidding you. To conclude, I simply MUST work harder.

But howwwwwwww????

haishh.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Homeeee. ;)

During hard times, to who do you guys turn to? I turn to my family. And so yesterday, I made the decision to spend my weekdays in Melaka. I boarded a bus at 4pm today and am safely at home now. I am grateful yesterday I have people who continued to cheer me up endlessly, and be my crying shoulder. Talking and talking and talking definitely makes me feel better. I love you guys!

Called my sister yesterday, she talked me into going back home. <3!
Thank you, Mimi for always lending your ears and be there for me. ;)

And also Apek who made me laugh so hard I regretted crying in the first place. Thank you, promise lepak next week okay? ;)

Family members who love you, and great friends. What more can you ask for? Its priceless. ;)

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Letter to the Moon

I had been dreading writing this up, since I promised myself that this will be an honest letter saying once and for all what I’m really feeling.

And here goes.

Ai,

There are so many things I’ve been meaning to say, thoughts that I needed to let out, but I wasn’t sure how to actually say it.Its been awkward, I know, for us to meet up. Would it be surprising if I say that I’m glad? Last year when you left me, things were really bad between us, I remembered deciding not to be friends with you anymore. I never regretted making that decision, it was the right call.

Although it was hard for me, I pull through. I sorted my feelings out, I know they say love is hard to erase, but the scars you left simply did the job for me. I never thought that a day would come when I had to thank you, but this is the day perhaps. I thank you, because by you leaving me I actually learnt to see everything in a clearer light. I became closer with my family and friends, and I am happy with my life. I’ll admit, things are tough for me lately, but in facing those stuffs, I am still happy. ;)

I must’ve told you this a lot of times Ai, and I really meant it. I forgive you for all the mistakes you have made in the past whatever it is that caused me hurt and grieve, everything. With that, I’d like to apologize too, for the harsh words I said, mean things I wrote, anything that caused you discomfort or embarrassed you. We both made a mistake by being together, and I’m already past blaming you. I think that both of us are grown ups, and we both gotta live past that. I need to live past that.

I know that going away is a challenge for you, with all the fun that’s hard to miss, but I really hope that you won’t waste your chance this time. You’re a smart guy, I know you can do whatever that you put your mind into. I really want you to succeed in obtaining a degree for yourself, and be someone that’ll make your parents proud. Be a better man while you’re there, and do me a favor will ya? Don’t hurt others the same way that you hurt me. That’s no way to treat a girl, and you know it. Mistakes should not be repeated, okay?

I can say for sure now that I don’t love you anymore. With you leaving, there’s finally a chapter in my book that I can finally close. You are always gonna be a part of my past Ai, and I’ve embraced that fact. I care about you, and that’s not gonna change. 4 years is a long time Ai, I will miss you and baby Sofia, but its for the best. Finally, I wish for happiness and success for everything in your future. I hope you wish the same for me too.

So I guess, this is Goodbye Ai.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Brokeback Mountain,huh?

I AM OFFICIALLY BROKE. NO MONEY TO EAT, NO MONEY AT ALL. Ouhh. How I dreaded this. Calling home for money. WTF. My gaji got stuck for awhile now. SAKET HATI. SAKET KEPALA. I'm feeling suicidal. Penatla mcm ni. Finals is just around the corner. I cant afford to be worrying about these kinda shit now. My brain is working too much. My body needed the rest. ;( I am just too tired. God, help me get through this.

Wednesday, October 06, 2010

Just not my luck

Its October already! So soon, huh? I'll be posting a post entitled "A letter to the Moon" on 16 or 17 of October, something you should wait for. ;)

And so today, I'm talking about an ex who's going away to study abroad. Well, it came as a shock to me at first, but I'm dealing okay. I envy him though, because the country he's leaving for is my main choice as I first applied for JPA. I had two countries in mind, Canada and Australia. Yeahh, as everybody is well aware of, I ended up stuck in Malaysia for my degree instead. Maybe it's just not my luck, but I wanted to study abroad so bad. It's a huge disappointment when I didn't get to go. Life's unfair. He gets to go there instead.

Moving on, tomorrow there's an event for students at the place where I'm working at. I hope that it'll be great! And I really really need new uniforms to go to work. Hee. The girls had announced dress up day tomorrow! pictures will come to you guys soon. Hang on tight, yeah.

On another more serious issue. We just heard that our scholar money isn't going to be out until another three months. This is really bad news to me, as I'm making barely enough money just to survive. It's more than four months that I'm living without my scholar money. Another three months is just too much for me to handle. ;( Sometimes I wish that I can curl up on my bed and just cry, and cry, and cry. But...........

Life goes on, and at least I have to be thankful that I have a job. I'll just etch up a smile, and presume life like everythings okay. ;)