Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Friend-zoned

This isn't new news, or anything like that. People close to me would've known that I  friend-zoned someone last year, my best friend. Yup. That's right. THAT best friend. If you guys noticed, I haven't wrote about him much since last year and I wasn't planning on writing about the friend-zone incident, but I've been keeping this bottled up until one fine day, this day, I finally exploded!

You know how they say once you're friend-zoned, your friendship will die either way? Well, from self-experiencing it, that is very true. If you take it to another level, and things don't work out, you two will definitely become strangers. Had I known things will come to this, I wouldn't have gotten so close to him in the first place. If I had known feelings will develop, and hearts will be broken, I wouldn't have pour my hearts out to him and go to him everytime I'm in crises.

I've become too attached to him, too close to him, too comfortable around him and he became the closest friend I had. I told him things I wouldn't dream of telling others, and I liked our friendship. No pretense, just me being myself and I was so grateful for such a friend. Becoming strangers now just doesn't make sense. It is one of the saddest things I had to go through in life.Losing him is unfair. Life's always a bitch then.

I remembered when he first confesses. It was so surreal I remembered thinking that I was dreaming! I was happy that night, but confused as well. I didn't know whether I had feelings for him, or I just love him as a dear friend. But I accepted him anyway, and decided to give it a try. Turned out it was the wrong call. I love him, that is true, but apparently just as a very dear friend. And I realized that way too late. I'm sure he was very hurt when I told him the truth, but I figured we could go back to the way things were. To the old us.

I figured wrong.

He drifted away and away from me. I tried so hard to keep in contact at first, but it always seem like he's avoiding me. We ended up not seeing each other for more than seven months. Until one day, in June I met him once during my semester break. Once again, I tried to save what was left of our friendship.

I guess I failed.

That was the last time I saw him. Now, we barely texted. Now, we don't talk to each other anymore. Now, I can't go to him everytime I need to whine and whenever I need comforting. I used to depend on him so much. But now, I'm on my own. Now, I don't have anyone to talk to. I lost the one person that I care about. Now, I am a one lonely bitch.

I am writing this because I'm mad that our friendship's in the drain now. I'm mad that he ever confesses. I am mad that things can't be saved. I know that it is very selfish of me to want things to go back to normal, but I just can't help it. I still think of him as a dear friend, and I still love him. I guess he just didn't feel the same way.Thinking of how close we were, how he was there for me everytime, the present us just doesn't make sense. It makes me think that all those times when I thought that he was being such a great friend, he was doing it because he wanted to be more than friends. Now that I just wanna be friends, he doesn't treat me like a good friend anymore. To him, I was a mere girl he didn't get to have. I thought he was different. I guess I thought too highly of him.

In the end, guys will always be guys. Guys will always stand tall with their ego. In the end, the one getting hurt is me.

Someone's crying while writing this. Such a crybaby.

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