Sunday, September 16, 2012

Post le birthday

And so, the day I was anxiously trying to avoid come and go. It is now three days after my birthday, and I feel pretty much the same. Getting older is just adding another 1 to my previous 20 years of life.

My birthday was the same as every other day of the year. After receiving my birthday presents from Mimo and Lilo, I was busy with reports which will soon be due at that time. I didn't even have a photo of me on my birthday, a living proof to how ordinary my day was. Hehe, the girls and I did went to watch Alice in Resident Evil: Retribution though. Even the movie was being so ordinary, less than what I'd expected it to be. I hope the next movie in this series will be so much better, I hope it'll have more zombies actions!

Enough of that.

This year, I treated myself for a change. Treated myself to my own birthday cake, own presents, my own secret little party, by myself. It wasn't that bad afterall. Makes me love myself even more. :) The only person who knows my happy times, sad times, tired times, and the only one who understands me, is well, me. My awesome self deserves a reward for being so awesome! Hence, the reason I spent a lil bit more money on myself for my birthday.

Since I have lots of times going around by myself these days, I have plenty of time to think. For once, not to think about anything else, anyone else, but me. I reflected a lot on my self-worth, how others view me, how much do I mean to them, who'll be there for me eventually, how have I lived up till now, yada yada yada. Some questions I can answer, some still left me wondering.

In the 21 years that I've been living, I've lived not staying true to myself. I've lived walking on egg shells, trying to not hurt the feelings of others, while biting my lips when I'm the one that got hurt. I've lived not knowing how to say no. I've lived following the will of others, not thinking about my own will. I've lived well, a foolish life.

The realization doesn't sit well with me. Its getting harder and harder for me to wake up in the morning. My sense of purpose seems to have faded, becoming more unclear with each passing day. I need to rediscover things that are important to me, and things that are just keeping me down.

On the other hand, I am still thankful for I'm still living and breathing. Thank you Allah for another wonderful year. When everyone else fails to stand by me, I know that you're always there for me, everytime. Alhamdulillah.

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