Saturday, April 12, 2014

That fear

What's scary about having fears is that it always brings you down. I find that the happier I get, day by day, the stronger the fear that I have of losing that happiness. Damn fear is such a asshole. Is it normal though?

Well, for one it's normal for me.

The tricky thing about constantly having that fear is, it's overshadowing my happiness sometimes. Like, when I feel so loved one moment, the insecurity starts kicking in, and my mind keeps telling me 'hey, I think you like him more than he likes you', or things like 'well, he likes you now, but he'll get bored of you soon'. Can you imagine having those kinda thoughts all the time?

After the thoughts, comes the finding faults.

Every little thing pisses me off, or upsets me. Funny how I can't say out loud what was upsetting, or what makes me mad. Why? Coz half the time the things that makes me mad or upset are just ridiculous, it's embarrassing to say it out loud. The one suffering from my unstable emotional state of course, will be the other party. Poor guy doesn't even know why I'm so mad all of a sudden.

Then I repeat the cycle all over again.

Every time I enter a new relationship or meet a new guy, I'll just torture myself, deprive myself of happiness, because of this fear. Turn myself into one bipolar, psychotic, bitch.

As a result, I don't commit to anyone. Simply because, if I commit to someone and that someone betrays me, I don't think I can handle it. The amount of effort and strength it takes to get out of that emotional slump is just too much, so I choose to not commit and not to trust instead. I mean, the last time I commit to someone, that someone freaking dumped me in the rain and went off with another girl. Yeah, so no. The committed me ceased to exist after the age of 19.

These days though, I find myself trying. Trying to kick the fear away, trying to push my insecurities aside, trying to stop finding faults, trying to commit and trust. Every time I find myself slipping to old habits, I stop, take a deep breath, and think things over. It's not easy, especially the commitment part, but, I'm trying.

If only trying will be enough.

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