Monday, July 13, 2015

Saying goodbye

So I opened my Dubai portal, to see the countdown again. I have 46 days before leaving the country, for three years. I feel like these days I reminisce a lot on the good things here, so it's harder for me to say goodbye and let go. That aside, I intend to make the most of the remaining 46 days, spending quality time with my family and friends.

Since I'm such a nostalgic person, such a drama queen, I like exaggerating on stuffs. We all know that after leaving my company, I'll probably be back in Melaka, feeding myself fat and watching series on my laptop.

Which brings me to this, I am actually only flying for three more days before hanging my red uniform for good in the closet! Two years passes by so fast, isn't it? I am excited to leave for a better place, but am also sightly sad leaving familiar ground. Selangor has been my home for six years now. I have favorite places I go to, places I have yet to explore, so many things I'm leaving behind here.

The thought of being an expat, scares me a little bit. Not having the familiarity of my own language, food, people, customs and laws, scares me.

Going there alone, scares me too.

But we do what we gotta do to get by in life. I hope for more adventures, more opportunities for me to grow and be a better person. I hope in leaving, I won't be coming back empty-handed.

Saying goodbye-wise, I just came back from Penang yesterday. Who knew I would've fallen in love with that place? A year and a half frequenting that island, I have favorite places I said goodbye to, too.

After raya, I'm going back to Kedah. Another favorite place of mine from childhood. I wonder how much it has changed, the last time I was there was three years ago.

So I guess now all I need to do is prepare myself to leave...

Sunday, July 12, 2015

Always be my baby

I realized today how hard it is when things end between you and your other half. There's a reason why they are called our other halves, after all...

Imagine being together for so long, talking every day, seeing each other whenever we can, it is hard to get out of that routine. I think the strangest thing is, I feel more like I'm losing my best friend when we ended things. And that is just, sad. I felt so lost in the beginning as he was my everything. Everything in a sense that, he's my counselor, my cheerleader, my tough friend, my financial advisor, just, everything.

I couldn't accept the fact that I had lost him in the beginning, even though I knew deep down there's no way for us to make things work. No matter how much I loved him, no matter how much he loved me, we both were thinking about our families first. When it comes down to it, I think we were both glad that a decision was made, and we, should stop being in a relationship.

So where does that leaves us, then?

For one, I cannot imagine not talking to him anymore. It's not like we fought, and I hate him, and he hates me, those kinda things, it's just that we had come to an understanding that there is no future in the relationship.

I guess it's gonna take a very long time for me to stop being in love with him. It is also gonna take us even more time to transition from being lovers to just friends.

I know for a fact that I'll be loving him for a long time, and it's okay. I am always grateful that he was a part of my life once, as that year and a half was really beautiful. I just pray to God that He will ease my pain going through this.

All I need is time. Time heals everything, or at least part of it, isn't it?

Saturday, July 04, 2015

No promises

You know I have this fear, of you coaxing me and making sure that I'm okay, only to later tell me it's not working out anyway?

I am scared to face the fact that, there's a chance you wouldn't want to fix this.

I don't wanna lose you..

Wednesday, July 01, 2015

When you take things for granted

There's no one else to blame but me, at the end of the day. I didn't realize I could be such a horrible person. With that, I also destroyed the only thing that's making me happy for a while. I don't know how to fix this. I am beyond broken, and it's all my fault.

I wish so much that I could turn back time. I wish I hadn't said what I said, I wish I had done things differently.

Then maybe, I would still have you by my side.

You make me a better person, you taught me a lot of things for me to grow in life, I just wished you will be there for longer to teach me more.

I've always thought you'll be by my side for a long long time, which is why I'm in this state.

I never thought I'd have to let you go....

I am hurting so bad and I don't know what to do, I couldn't stop crying. I guess I realized what I had only when it's gone.

If only you know how much I love you, and how much you mean to me. If only.