Sunday, September 20, 2015

When you crash and burn

I want to be happy too. But I keep on getting hurt every now and then, I feel like it's unfair. I hate that I always care too much, I hate that I can't seem to stop, I hate that no matter how much I tell myself to be strong I end up breaking down all over again.

I dont want my feelings to show, it hurts to be in love with someone who's moved on. I wish it was easier for me too, as easy as it was for him to forget me. Sometimes I wonder if what we had was real... It feels like only yesterday, we were so happy. It feels like nothing can stop us at the time. Look at us now?

I laugh out loud at the word 'love', whenever I see it now. I fucking hate it, it's stupid and childish and deceiving in every way. People are selfish. They are built that way. He is built that way. I don't know what I was thinking, hoping he would at least consider me and my feelings. How delusional.

And why am I such a forgiving person anyway? When it hurts me so much, all I do is take it all in. Always. Every time.

So blinded, I am so blinded.

I put myself out there only to be taken advantage of. I don't even know what I'm doing with him now. I sometimes forget that we're no longer together. I keep on wandering back to my happy state, talking to him everyday and night, staying up late, all those things that used to make us so happy.

And then I realize how dangerous this is. How it's only gonna be harder for me. How I'm the only one who'll end up getting hurt, again.

This needs to stop. I need to heal.

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