Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Midnight jam

"And if you're in love, then you are the lucky one,
Coz most of us are bitter over someone,
Setting fire to our insides for fun,
To distract our hearts from ever missing them,
But I'm forever.. missing him."

Daughter- Youth

Saturday, December 26, 2015

Giving back

During my idle time these days, whether at home in Dubai, or outstations in my hotel room, I tried considering several things to do. You know, to be productive and all. Well, I haven't done anything to consider myself being productive, but.. the extra time on my hand got me thinking about stuffs. Namely what I'm doing with my life and where I'm heading.

Since I can't figure out yet what to do after Dubai, I have been stressing myself a lot about it. And it doesn't help when the one you're talking to every day seems to have everything figured out. Hearing him talk about it every day sometimes makes me feel like such a failure in life, but also provided me with the necessary kick to not get stuck here.

Anyways, that's not the point. The point is, what can I do to make myself feel better?

Last night on facebook I stumbled upon a video of hungry kids in Africa. It wasn't the first time that I saw these videos and it brought me to tears, but this time I decided to do something about it.

I feel like I can certainly spare RM30 every month to feed hungry kids. And so I did. It's such a small amount, but it gives me joy knowing someone is gonna get food with that money.

So today I learned something new. Even when you don't know where you are going with life, and it upsets you, just remember to be thankful. There is always something to be done about it. If you are looking for fulfillment and self-achievement, there are more things that can give you that feeling, other than the amount of money in your bank.

That's it for now, me lovelies. Hope you have had a very jolly Christmas!

Always full of love,

Monday, December 07, 2015

Things that are long overdue

The thing is, I feel that no matter how long I've postponed the part where I stop feeling, it finally caught up with me. I realize that there are a lot of things that are meant to be done a long time ago. Procrastinating the ultimatum is not only a dumb move, but a move that cost me more of my self-pride than I probably should let myself lose. I've been deluded in thinking that some parts of him still exist to care for me and maybe, just maybe he'll find it in his heart to have me in his life.

Well, consider me the foolish one. For always opening my heart to him, for caring and listening and being there for him. I mean, not that he wasn't doing the same for me, it's just that his intentions were different. It's still strange to me that I always see my future with him. Of us building a life here in Dubai. And for those little moments, nothing else seem to matter. Where we came from, whom we were raised as, what beliefs we stood by.. Nothing.

That itself must make me the biggest fool of all. It took me a while to realize that what he wanted remains the same. What he needed was my company, and whatever feelings I have shall be kept to myself, for I am the only one feeling it. Simply put, I wasn't good enough to be in his life.

I'm beginning to see it now. What it feels like, not being good enough for someone who means so much to me. I gotta say, it is kinda the worst feeling in the world. I also know this, there's nothing else for me to do. I've tried as hard as I can, fought as much as I could, but what's not mine won't be mine no matter what. There's no use in being stubborn about it. It's about time that I let go. Fully. Something that I should've done five months ago. Pretending that we're okay doesn't change the fact that he is through with me, I needed to see that. And I did.

So I'm gonna stop wallowing in self-pity right about now, and go do something about it.

I've been fine being on my own before I met him. I'll be fine now too.

I just have to be brave enough to stand on my own.