The thing is, I feel that no matter how long I've postponed the part where I stop feeling, it finally caught up with me. I realize that there are a lot of things that are meant to be done a long time ago. Procrastinating the ultimatum is not only a dumb move, but a move that cost me more of my self-pride than I probably should let myself lose. I've been deluded in thinking that some parts of him still exist to care for me and maybe, just maybe he'll find it in his heart to have me in his life.
Well, consider me the foolish one. For always opening my heart to him, for caring and listening and being there for him. I mean, not that he wasn't doing the same for me, it's just that his intentions were different. It's still strange to me that I always see my future with him. Of us building a life here in Dubai. And for those little moments, nothing else seem to matter. Where we came from, whom we were raised as, what beliefs we stood by.. Nothing.
That itself must make me the biggest fool of all. It took me a while to realize that what he wanted remains the same. What he needed was my company, and whatever feelings I have shall be kept to myself, for I am the only one feeling it. Simply put, I wasn't good enough to be in his life.
I'm beginning to see it now. What it feels like, not being good enough for someone who means so much to me. I gotta say, it is kinda the worst feeling in the world. I also know this, there's nothing else for me to do. I've tried as hard as I can, fought as much as I could, but what's not mine won't be mine no matter what. There's no use in being stubborn about it. It's about time that I let go. Fully. Something that I should've done five months ago. Pretending that we're okay doesn't change the fact that he is through with me, I needed to see that. And I did.
So I'm gonna stop wallowing in self-pity right about now, and go do something about it.
I've been fine being on my own before I met him. I'll be fine now too.
I just have to be brave enough to stand on my own.