Tuesday, June 06, 2017

Take me back

As I look back to the happiest moments in my life, I thought of those moments spent with you. It hurts so much to think of the three years I spent being with my best friend, coming to an end. I wish for so many things to be different in our life, so that you and I can still be together. Sadly, we can't change who we are, nor we can change the system and how things work. The world is like this, and so therefore there is no place for you and I.

It breaks me so much that I sometimes wish I knew better. I wish we knew better. I don't regret a single moment of the three years where I'm happiest, though I can't help but regret the moments that follow from now. I hope one day you and I will be happier, I hope time will heal this giant void I feel in my heart as I sit here helpless seeing how our story ends. I wish that it was because love has fade away, or we just grew to be two different people than we once were. I wish desperately that it wasn't because of this.

I want to go back. I want to go back to when we were young and free of the worries of the world. When starting a family feels like a million years away. Time doesn't seem to agree with me. It always moves, regardless of how much I just wanna stay in the moment. We are, in the end just growing older and older not being able to start a family like everyone else.

I want to believe there is a silver lining to all of this. I want to convince myself that everything will be okay. But my eyes are blurry from tears, and the crack of my heart echoes loudly how much I love you. And then I collapse again, not being able to breathe, just sobbing myself to sleep.

I'm fine with being alone, but the thought of no longer having you in my life is something I could not bear. I've relied on you so much as you have on me over the years that it feels like a huge part of me will be gone as I part with you. I tried being strong because I know it's no easy decision for both of us, and I feel that's the least I could do for you. I know we have tried, and failed, and that is okay.

For the first time in my life, I learned that the best thing I can do for you my love, is to let you go. No matter how much it hurts, no matter how much it kills me inside, it's time for me to let you go.

As I cannot give you something firm to hold on, I'm only left with the certainty of this.
I will love you for a very long time, sayang...